ANSWERS BY BRITISH STUDENTS

APPARENTLY ACTUAL ANSWERS BY BRITISH STUDENTS
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!

Geography 
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and
canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because
there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, theborax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains
thebrain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O
and U.

Q: What does *varicose- mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport 

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word *judicious- in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word *benign- mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears. 

some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee

Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied where appropriate.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if
their IQ drops any lower..

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed

Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my
eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this
October...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what?

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: I'm not touching this one...

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and
Hervey Bay? (UK)

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) 
A: No. Everybody stinks.

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas.

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: Another blonde?

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in
trees. (USA)

Q Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
A: Yes. Outdoors.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first. 

jokes jokes jokes...............

Flying in the plane
Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars." 
The years went past, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining,
it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an argument.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up
flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the
plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back to the airport.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

The best of Englishmen

Five Englishmen

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

Nationalities...

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of
Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and
were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out
of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his
drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going
through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in
the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had
happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and
slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman
and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that
kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again . 

Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles
back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no
electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance.
"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and
holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the
Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a
full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child.
The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

HoneyMoon Night

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice."So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.

Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to
come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

SOME SECRETS OF PAKISTAN ARMY

How do you stop a Pakistani tank ?
Shoot the men who are pushing it.

How do you disable a Pakistani tank?
Hide the wind-up key.

How do you disable Pakistani missiles?
Cut the rubber band.

Pakistani Air Force officials have recently motioned for a name change for the PAF. They want to call it the PMC, the Pakistani Mining Corps. This is because their planes end up in the ground anyway.

Pakistani military researchers have recently ordered for the enlargement of the hatches on tanks and other armoured vehicles. This is so they can be more easily abandoned in enemy territory.

Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes?
Neither has Pakistan.

Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?
It's a solar powered flashlight.

Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention?
The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact.

How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?

Put it in water.

Did you hear about the 747 jet which crashed into a cemetery in Karachi?
The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies.

Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who had asked to be buried at sea?
Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.

Did you hear about the other tragedy in Karachi ?
There was a terrible power cut in Karachi's Four Square Shopping Mall. People were
stuck on the escalator for four hours.

Did you hear about the Pakistani family that froze to death outside a theatre ? They
were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the winter".

Did you hear about the Pakistani helicopter crash ?
The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.

Why do Pakistani dogs have flat noses ?
They get it from chasing parked cars.

Did you hear about the Pakistani who studied diligently for five days ?
He was scheduled to take a medical test.

Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library ?
Somebody stole the book.

SARDARJEE BEST JOKES

CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR

Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady. After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But the sardaji told: "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old lady then complained to the air hostess.  The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain. Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji, and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt. what he told to the sardarji. Capt. replied: "nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar."

 

THE 4 SARDARJIS
There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business.They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel.The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed but noboby turned up.
WHY ?  -
Bcos there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed."

After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage.  They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage.The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage.
WHY ?
B'cos their garage was on the first floor.

After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving.  They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi.  They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi.WHY ? 
B'cos all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi.

All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi.They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge.WHY ?
B'cos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.

SARDAAR JEE JOKES AT INDO-PAK WAR

You should be sure the person is Sardar when he:
• puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind.
• gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
• sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
• tries to drown a fish in water.
• thinks socialism means partying.
• trips over a cordless phone.
• takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
• At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts Sagittarius.".
• studies for a blood test and fails.
• sells the car for gas money.
• misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
• drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home.
• gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor. 

AT INDO-PAK WAR

Once in the Indo Pakistan war, Pakistan was fighting fiercely and capturing.everything in sight. A sikh camp called Gurudwara hideout was crucial to defend from the pakistanis as it contained all the defence secrets. The pakistani forces surrounded the base and the sikhs had thought that they had lost the battle but, suddenly out of the bushes jumps Captain. Hari Singh wearing a Maachar dani!(mosquito net) He Pulls out his AK-47 rifle and fires like mad. The pakistanis run off quickly. The next day Hari Singh gets a medal. His friends ask him "Yaar thu maachar daani kyon pehenke gaya tha?" Hari Singh replies "Maachar daani itni patli hote hain ki agar maachar nahin ghus sakte, goli kahan se ghussenghi?

In the following war Hari Singh retires and his son Gani Singh No Assumptions Please!) joins the army. Pakistanis are again surrounding the Gurudwara hideout, the sikhs again think they've lost the war but out of the bushes erupts Gani Singh wearning nothing he tries do shoo away the pakistanis like his father did but instead
gets shot. In the hospital his friends tell him "aare yaar, therre bap me tho itni akal
thi ki vo maachar daani pehin ke gaya tha, aur tu nunga chale gaya". Gani Singh replies
"aare yaar main tho odomos lage ke gaya tha"!