A Wish
“And what would you like?”
“A penis!”
Somewhat surprised and embarrassed, the compare checks again, “You’d like what?”
“A penis!!”
“Right” says the compare, “There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Miss Frances’ wish
for the world is happiness!”
The Doctor’s appointment.
A guy walks into the doctor’s to make an appointment. “What’s your problem?” asks the pretty receptionist. “I’ll need the information for the doctor.”
“It's rather embarrassing,” stammers the guy. “I’ve an almost constant erection.”
“Hum,” replies the receptionist, “the doctor’s very busy today, but I might be able to squeeze you in.”
“Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?”
“I can’t say.” Replies the Doc, “I never make rash promises!”
Q: What’s the difference between normal sex and anal sex?
A: About half an inch.
Q: What’s another name for Wife Swapping?
A: Four-Play
Q: What do you call a man with eleven dicks?
A: The manager of the England’s Football Team!
Q: What do you call a man that’s had a load taken off trouble taken off his mind?
A: Lester Walley O’Burt.
The maid
A maid is being fired for shoddy work. When her employer has finished talking the maid takes 5 pounds out of her purse and gives it to her.“What’s this for?” asks her former employer.
“Its for your dog.” Replies the maid. “He’s been helping me clean the dishes for weeks!”
“Doctor, Doctor I get poultry salary.”
“You mean paltry.”
“No, poultry. It’s chickenfeed.”
Essex girl
An Essex girl is involved in a car crash and is leaking loads of blood.
Eventually a medic turns up and asks, “Can you hear me?”
“Yes” replies the girl.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharon” she splutters.
“OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?”
With a slight cough she replies, “Romford mate.”
Q and A
Q: Where does Batman’s goldfish live?
A: In the bat tub
Q: Why is a leaking tap like a racehorse?
A: Because it is off and running
Q: What do you get if you cross a giant ape, with some whipped egg whites and sugar?
A: Merangue-atan
Q: What’s it called when a stallion runs around in circles?
A: Horsing around
Q: Why is Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson?
A: You find the present tense and the past perfect.
Q: Why did the kitten want to work at Xerox?
A: He wanted to be a copycat.
Q: Why did the guy like to avoid funerals?
A: He wasn't a mourning person.
Q: What happened when the ship carrying red paint and blue ship carrying blue paint
collided?
A: The survivors were marooned!
Q: Why are giraffes snobs?
A: Because they look down on everyone.
Q: What do you call a guy that crosses the ocean twice without taking a shower?
A: A dirty double crosser
Q: What's the definition of Lockjaw?
A: Never having to say you are sorry
Answering Machine Messages
•My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
•A is for academics - B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.
•Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
•Hi. Now you say something.
•Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
•Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?
•Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll call sooner!
•Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
