Adult Jokes

· Recommended dosage of viagra:
New Girlfriend: No Need
Old Girlfriend: 1/2 Tablet
Mistress: 1 Tablet
Wife: 2 tabs+whisky+Porn Movie+Will Power

· Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.

· Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

· A man was charged with Necrophilia (having sex with a dead woman). The judge said; I havn't seen such disgusting case in 20 years. Can you give me one good reason why you did it?
Man: I can give 3 reasons.It' non of ur business, she was my wife and I didn't know she was dead as she always acted like that.

· Pappu meets his father in red light area. Pappu: Papa aap yahan?
Father: Bus beta ab 200-300 Rs ki cheez k liye teri maa k nakhre nahi sahe jate.

· Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

· Letter to mom by her daughter a month after her marriage: Fine here mom, but one problem... my husband keeps on fucking me all the time... while bathing, cooking, dish washing even while washing, Ironing clothes! I'm fucked up mom... Any idea to control his urges? Sorry for the SHAKY HANDWRITING.

· What is a man's definition of foreplay?
Half an hour of serious begging!

· Every married man keeps wondering every evening: Should I go out and look at what I cannot fuck or....Stay home and fuck what I cannot look at....

· A man stands nude in front of a mirror n examines himself: I wish 2 inches more & I'll b a king.
Wife sitting behind: I think 2 inches less & u'll b a queen.

· Wife bought a new transparent Bra, wore in front of her hubby.
Hubby: Issme tum bahut sexy lag rahi ho.
Wife: Pata hai ! Salesman bhi yehi keh raha tha.

· Q: Why do most women sleep in the afternoon ?
A: So that they can screw the tired man all night and blame him for poor performance!!

· Ladki: Tum Honeymoon k liye kahan kahan Gayi thi?
Saheli: Shimla, Kasauli, Mussoorie, Nanitaal.
Ladki: Achhaa... kya kya dekha Wahan pe?
Saheli: Sirf CEILING FAN!

· Wife: Muje lagta hai apka Rita k saath najayaz rishta hai.
Hubby: Ye tum kaise keh sakti ho?
Wife: Kal jab uske husband aye, to apki underwerr pehne huye the.

· Recommended Dosage of VIAGRA
New Girl friend: No need,
Old G/f: 1/2 tablet,
Mistress: 1 tablet,
Wife: 2 tabs + whisky + blue film + will power + her permission.

· In bed frustrated wife was moaning to her husband: Why is it taking so long to cum?
Husband: I'm trying dear; it's just that I can't think of anyone tonight!

· A time comes in life when your wife begins to trust you. It doesn't mean that you have become Enlightened. It doesn't mean that you have turned a Saint. It just means that you have lost your hunting abilities; she is convinced that you cannot even catch a running tortoise, leave aside a PUSSY.

· Wife 2 naked husband: Why r u walking around, the neighbours can see ur thing?
Husband: So what?
Wife: They'll think I married u for MONEY!

· Wife A: I hate my Engineer husband. Erect & Erect.
Wife B: I Hate my Doc husband. Inject & Inject.
Wife C: U both r lucky, mine is judge.. Tarik pe Tarikh

· On their first night:
Husband: Is it really ur first night?
Wife: No... No...Actually it is first time at night.

· Woman was having pain during delivery. Husband prayed: Oh Lord! Please make it lose for the Baby and then tight for the Daddy

· Doc: Reports have got mixed up. I don't know if ur wife has AIDS or Alzheimer
Man: What shld I do?
Doc: Drop her in the middle of town, if she comes back DON'T FUCK

· The groom stood naked in front of the mirror:
2 inches more & I'd be a king
Bride: Yes, 2 inches less & you'd be a Queen

· What is the difference between cheating ur wife and cheating on the taxman?
If u get caught, the taxman still want to screw you.

· A frustrated father's defensive reply in a sms msg to his offensive unruly son... I should have wasted u in the bathroom!

· One lady delivered twins, surprisingly one is boy & other is dog... How is it possible?
Her hubby is a hutch user... Wherever he goes his Network follows.

· Dentist didn't get erection on wedding night so he used finger. Wife: What's this?
Nothing honey, just a temporary filling

· Wife n Mobile:
1) Dono hi dusro ke achche lagte hai.
2) Dono hi naye achche lagte hai.
3) Dono ko hi raat bhar charge karna padta hai.

· Husband: I fancy kinky sex, how about I cum in ur ear?
Wife: No, I might go deaf!
Husband: I've been cumin in ur mouth 4 15yrs & u r still fuckin talking.

· 'Great, just what I need,' she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. 'One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.'

· Mother: Do u know the meaning of Mangalsutra?
Daughter: Yes, it is the license to enjoy Kamasutra.

· Q: What is the resemblance between a woman and a condom?
A: They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet.

· Q: Why does a woman have two pair of lips?
A: One is for fighting and one is to make up.

· Lady 2 Maid: Tu saare kaam mein bekaar hai!
Bai: Bister mein to aap se aachi hoon!
Lady: Tujhe sab ne bola kya?
Bai: Nahin, driver bol raha tha!

· A man kills a deer & cooks it but doesn't tell kids what it is.
He gives a clue: It's what mom calls me.
Boy cries out: Don't eat it. It's a fucking asshole.

· Suhagrat ke time darvaze pe dastak hoti hai toh dulhan bhag k parde ke peeche chup jati hai.
Husband: Kya hua?
Dulhan: Mujhe laga police ki raid par gai.

· Son kills a butterfly.
Dad: No butter for 2 weeks.
Son kills a honeybee.
Dad: No honey for 2 weeks.
Mom kills a cockroach.
Son: Dad u tell her or should I?

· Man: Bless me God! My son is drug addict, my daughter is a call girl, my wife is a gambler.
God: Is anything +ve in ur family?
Man: I'm HIV positive.

· Unborn twins in the mother's stomach saw a penis.
1st Baby: Dekh Papa aa rahe hai.

2nd: Abe stupid, ye pados wale uncle hai, papa kabhi raincoat nahi pehante.