common jokes

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man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly

m very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver,  said the

emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he d outpace the cop, the

friend to the old man.

man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car s speed rose to sixty, then

Oh, don t worry, I can drive.

seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and

pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.

eee

The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said:  Listen, Mister, I

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have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good

judge looked severely at the defendant and asked,  How many times

excuse and I ll let you go.

have you been imprisoned?

The man thought for a moment and said:  Three weeks ago my wife ran off

Nine, you Honour.

with a poli ce officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were

that officer and were trying to give her back to me.

Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.

No ticket.

Maximum sentence?  said the defendant.  Don t you give your regular clients

a discount

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ate one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a

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well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.  Give me your money,  he

demanded.

ne  man to another.  I want to marry a smart woman, a good woman; a

woman who ll make me happy.

Indignant, the affluent man replied,  You can t do this I m a politician!

Make up your mind.

In that case,  replied the robber,  give me my money!

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he doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical

n American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby.  The lift will be

examination.

down presently,  the receptionist told him.

The best thing for you to do,  the doctor said,  is give up drinking and

The lift?  said the American.  Oh, you mean the elevator.

smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.

No, I mean the lift.  replied the Englishman.

Doctor, I don t deserve the best,  said the patient.   What s next best?

I think I should know what it is called,  said the American.  Elevators were

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invented in the States.

Perhaps,  retorted the Englishman.  But we invented the language.

An old man gives good advice in order to console himself for no longer being able to set a bad

example.