Taking It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death.
He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money
and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven.
So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.


An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.


The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided
to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure
gold bars and places it beside his bed.


Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven
to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says,
"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"


But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks
him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right.
You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its
contents before letting it through."


St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the
man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?!!!" 

Heaven

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"


The man says, "Methodist."


St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be
very quiet as you pass room 8."


Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"


"Baptist."


"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."


A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"


"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for
different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"


St. Peter tells him,
"Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.


Father?

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming.
He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus,
could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"


"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"


"Just find out about the people who arrive.
Ask about their background, their family, and their lives.
Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."


"Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while
St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach
the gates was a wrinkled old man.
Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him.
He peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"


The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."


Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward.
"Did you have any family?" he asked.


"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."


Jesus leaned forward some more.
"You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"


"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."


Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"


The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

God the Parent

Whenever your kids are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that even God's
omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."


"Don't what?" Adam asked.


"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.


"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?


Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"


"No way!"


"Where?"


"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.


"Why?"


"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God,
wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.


A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.


"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.


"Uh huh," Adam replied.


"Then why did you?"


"I dunno," Eve answered.


"She started it!" Adam said.


"Did not!"


"DID so!"


"DID NOT!"


Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...
thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed. 

God is Watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples.
It read, "Take only one, God is watching."


Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.


One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies,
"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Letters To God

Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane


Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliot


Dear God,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?"
Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla


Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
That was cool! - Eugene


Dear God,
I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Allison


Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy


Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita


Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma


Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones
You have now? - Cindy


Dear God,
Who draws the lines around countries? - Nan


Dear God,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool".
But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Edward


Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil


Dear God,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Robert


Dear God,
Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce


Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom
Author is Unknown