Monday, 30 January 2012

Nice Comedy Movie

Female 300(hindi dubbed Comedy)

About this movie
Language: Hindi
Running time: 1:32:17

Apna Sapna Money Money

About this movie
Language: Hindi
Running time: 2:13:39

Twenty-Two Things You Should Know

Twenty-Two Things You Should Know
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian; any more than standing in a garage makes you a car mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Three Morals...
A little bird is flying south for the winter. It’s so cold that the bird freezes and falls to the ground in a large field. While lying there on the edge of death, a cow walks by and craps on it. Well the dung is so hot that the frozen bird begins to thaw. In fact the bird is so warm and happy it soon begins to sing for joy! A passing cat hears the bird song and comes to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovers the bird under the cowpat. It promptly digs it out and eats it!
The morals of this story:
1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep doo-doo its best to keep your mouth shut!

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Few Heart Touching Poem

Few Heart Touching Poem

funny jokes

Feeling ill
A guy goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I really feel ill, can you do some tests?”
“Sure” says the Doc, “I'll call you when the results come back”
The guy thanks the Doc and then goes about his daily routine.
Two days later the phone wakes the guy up. He picks it up and it’s the Doc.
The doctor says, “I've got some good news and some bad news.”
The guy says, "What is the good news?”
“You have 24 hours to live.”
“And what's the bad news?” asks the guy.
“Sorry” says the Doc, “But I forgot to call you yesterday.”
Bakers Job

A baker's job is a piece of cake. Of course if it's a special job he will rise to the occasion. It's the yeast he can do. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. But they stop making donuts when they get tired of the hole thing. In a bakery, buns usually play a small roll. But tell a baker his dough has fallen, and you'll get a rise out of him. To find out how the business is doing, look at the pie chart. Old bakers never die. They just keep on making more dough.

Fannie Green

A man enters the confessional and says to the Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's." The next morning in church, the priest is preparing for Mass when a gorgeous, tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly walks up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in sits with her legs lightly spread apart: she is obviously not wearing any underwear. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes."

Have fun

Tiger

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their
marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make - I'm
not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no surprise in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah"
"Well he's rich, famous & handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are finished, the husband
gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm going to call room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second
time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to phone room service to order some
food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more
time. When they finish he's gasping for air and glistening with sweat. He drags himself
over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole."

Getting Older

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock onwood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Saturday, 28 January 2012

Traveling Jokes

CAR RIDE

A guy is standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain with no coat or umbrella, when a car slides up to the kerb and stops beside him. Thinking he has just been offered a lift he opens the door and gets in relieved to be out of the wet. "Thanks pal I thought I would never......" he looks across at the driver and there is no one in the seat. Next thing the car moves off silently and for the next four miles it stops at every red light, obeys every traffic law and finally comes to a stop at the top of the road where the guy lives - he is by now is in a severe state of shock and anxiety and the only reason he has not jumped from the car en-route is because it was traveling so slowly that he knew he could get out at any time if something unearthly happened. Anyway it was going his way and keeping him dry! Now it is stopped at the kerb again just up the street from where he lives and the guy gets out, closes the door and as he turns to head off home he bumps into another guy who is going to get into the car. "Hey buddy I would not get in that car if I were you there's something weird about it" "Yeah, I know" says the second guy " But I've just pushed it four miles and I really need the rest".

DIVER

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

DHABA

Kakey da dhaaba (in London) has evoked another anecdote on cheap eating places. An Indian abroad ran out of foreign exchange and went looking for the cheapest eating place in town. He located an Indian restaurant and went in. He found three sections: 'European, Chinese, and Indian' He went into the Indian. It was divided into two: Vegeterian and non-vegetarian. He went into the vegetarian which was further divided into pure ghee and vanaspati. He went to the vanaspati section and found yet another division: Cash or credit. Cheered at the prospect of not having to pay in foreign exchange he opted for the Credit section. When he got to it he found the sign: "Exit: get out."

QUOTES ABOUT INDIA

A. Albert Einstein said: We owe a lot to the Indians, who taught us how to count, without which no worthwhile scientific discovery could have been made.

B. Mark Twain said: India is the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of human speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great grand mother of tradition. Our most valuable and most constructive materials in the history of man are treasured up in India only.

C. French scholar Romain Rolland said: If there is one place on the face of earth where all the dreams of living men have found a home from the very earliest days when man began the dream of existence, it is India.

D. Hu Shih, former Ambassador of China to USA said: India conquered and dominated China culturally for 20 centuries without ever having to send a single soldier across her border. All the above is just the TIP of the iceberg, the list could be endless.

Fact Not a Joke-HISTORY FACTS ABOUT INDIA.

Some of these facts may be known to you. These facts were recently published in a
German Magazine which deals with WORLD

Let the world know what we stand for.
!"There are 3.22 Million Indians in America.
!"38% of Doctors in America are Indians.
!"12% of Scientists in America are Indians.
!"36% of NASA employees are Indians.
!" 34% of MICROSOFT employees are Indians
!"28% of IBM employees are Indians
!"17% of INTEL employees are Indians
!"13% of XEROX employees are Indians.

A. India never invaded any country in her last 10000 years of history.

B. India invented the Number System. Zero was invented by Aryabhatta.

C. The World's first university was established in Takshila in 700BC. More than 10,500 students from all over the world studied more than 60 subjects. The University of Nalanda built in the 4th century BC was one of the greatest achievements of ancient India in the field of education.

D. Sanskrit is the mother of all the European languages. Sanskrit is the most suitable language for computer software reported in Forbes magazine, July 1987.

E. Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine known to humans. Charaka, the father of medicine consolidated Ayurveda 2500 years ago. Today Ayurveda is fast regaining its rightful place in our civilization.

F. Although modern images of India often show poverty and lack of development, India was the richest country on earth until the time of British invasion in the early 17th Century.

G. The art of Navigation was born in the river Sindh 6000 years ago. The Very word Navigation is derived from the Sanskrit word NAVGATIH. The word navy is also derived from Sanskrit 'Nou'.

H. Bhaskaracharya calculated the time taken by the earth to orbit the sun hundreds of years before the astronomer Smart.; Time taken by earth to orbit the sun: (5th century) 365.258756484 days.

I. The value of pi was first calculated by Budhayana, and he explained the concept of what is known as the Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered this in the 6th century long before the European mathematicians.

J. Algebra, trigonometry and calculus came from India; Quadratic equations were by Sridharacharya in the 11th Century; The largest numbers the Greeks and the Romans used were 106 (10 to the power of 6) whereas Hindus used numbers as big as 1053(10 to the power of 53) with specific names as early as 5000 BCE during the Vedic period. Even today, the largest used number isTera 1012(10 to the power of 12).

K. According to the Gemological Institute of America, up until 1896, India was the only source for diamonds to the world.

L. USA based IEEE has proved what has been a century-old suspicion in the world scientific community that the pioneer of Wireless communication was Prof. Jagdeesh Bose and not Marconi.

M. The earliest reservoir and dam for irrigation was built in Saurashtra.

N. According to Saka King Rudradaman I of 150 CE a beautiful lake called 'Sudarshana' was constructed on the hills of Raivataka during Chandragupta Maurya's time.

O. Chess (Shataranja or AshtaPada) was invented in India.

P. Sushruta is the father of surgery. 2600 years ago he and health scientists of his time conducted complicated surgeries like cesareans, cataract, artificial limbs, fractures, urinary stones and even plastic surgery and brain surgery. Usage of anesthesia was well known in ancient India. Over 125 surgical equipment were used. Deep knowledge of anatomy, physiology, etiology, embryology, digestion, metabolism, genetics and immunity is also found in many texts.

Q. When many cultures were only nomadic forest dwellers over 5000 years ago, Indians established Harappan culture in Sindhu Valley(Indus Valley Civilization)

R. The place value system, the decimal system was developed in India in 100 BC.

Sardarji Jokes

CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR

Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady. After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But thesardaji told: "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old lady then complained to the air hostess. The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain. Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji, and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt. what he told to the sardarji. Capt. replied: "nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar."

DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE

Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Are Banta Singh! What the heck's going' on? Why are you scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?" Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.* "

THE 4 SARDARJI

There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business.They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed but noboby turned up. WHY ? - Bcos there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed." After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage. WHY ? B'cos their garage was on the first floor. After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi.WHY? B'cos all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi. All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi.They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge. WHY ? B'cos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.

Friday, 27 January 2012

Girl Talk

First Girl: “How did you get on with that blind date you met last night?”
Second Girl: “O, he made a lasting impression alright.”
First Girl: “So you’ll be seeing him again then?”
Second Girl: “No. Out side the restaurant, he stepped in wet cement!”
First Girl: “So how did you get on with that bloke you took back to your hotel room last night?”
Second Girl: “O, It was a disaster! He suffered from premature evacuation.”
First Girl: “What? You mean ejaculation, right?”
Second Girl: “No I mean evacuation. The fire alarm went off.”
Guy: I’m a doctor, what is your appendix doing tonight? I’d love to take it out.
Girl: Very funny. You should be on the television then I could turn you off.
Guy: I’m a magician. Would you like me to perform a spell for you?
Girl: OK, can you make yourself disappear?
Guy: I’m a photographer for a model agency: I’ve been looking for a face like yours.
Girl: Yea and I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.
Guy: I’m a postman, so you can rely on me to deliver a large package.
Girl: Sorry, I don’t date guys that only come once a day.
Guy: Are you free tomorrow night?
Girl: No, but I’m on special offer the day after.
Guy: What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
Girl: Trying to avoid scum like you.
Guy: Where have you been all my life?
Girl: What do you mean - I wasn’t even born for the first half of it.
Guy: Can I spend the evening with you?
Girl: No. I gave up baby-sitting years ago.
Guy: Cheer up darling, it may never happen.
Girl: What do you mean? It just has.
Guy: Do you know what would look good on you?
Girl: No?
Guy: Me.
Guy: Going so soon? Stay a little longer and let me get you a drink.
Girl: Just give me the cash, I’ll get one tomorrow.

Guy: Hey, don’t go yet... you’ve forgotten something.
Girl: What?
Guy: Me.
Guy: I have designs on you.
Girl: Yea, well I think you’d better go back to the drawing board.
Guy: Hi, I never forget a face.
Girl: Neither do I, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
Guy: I’d like to marry you.
Girl: I’d rather skip straight to the divorce, some you can give me half of you money.
Guy: I’d like to see more of you.
Girl: I’d like you to see less of me ‘cause I’m on a diet.
Guy: I’d like to take you to dinner.
Girl: Sounds good. Will you be able to pick me up again afterwards?
Guy: Kiss me and I’ll tell you a secret.
Girl: I know your secret pal - I work at the clinic.
Guy: Hi my name is Frank. You’ll want to remember that so you know what to scream
latter.
Girl: Yea, you do look like an axe murderer.
Guy: Want to go all the way baby?
Girl: Yea, as long as it’s in different directions.
Guy: Shall we go to your place or mine?
Girl: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.
Guy: When should I phone you?
Girl: Whenever I’m not there.
Guy: Would you like another drink?
Girl: Do you really think our relationship will last that long?
Guy: Would you like to join me?
Girl: Why, are you falling apart?
Guy: You seem to me like a nice girl.
Girl: That’s right! And it’s why I won’t go anywhere near you.
Guy: Your face is absolutely perfect.
Girl: So is yours ... for radio work.

Question Answer Jokes

Q: What happens when you tell a joke to an egg?
A: It cracks up laughing!
Q: Why does a tiger have stripes?
A: So he won’t be spotted.
Q: When is a man like a dog?
A: When he is a boxer.
Q: A nickel, dime and quarter are on a table. The nickel and dime jump off. Why didn’t the quarter?
A: It had more cents.
Q: What do you call a calf after it’s six months old?
A: Seven months old.
Q: What did the teddy bear say after dinner?
A: I’m stuffed!
Q: Why did the cowboy put his bunk in the fire?
A: So that he could sleep like a log.
Q: What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
A: Wet feet.

Q: Why were the strawberries upset?
A: Because they were in a jam!
Q: What kind of music do most mountains like?
A: Rock music.
Q: What is a boxer’s favourite part of a joke?
A: The punch line.
Q: What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
A: Bugs Bunny.
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.
Q: What did the skeleton buy at the market?
A: Spare ribs!
Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane after a hard day at the office?
A: “You know, it’s a jungle out there!”
Q: Why couldn’t the girl open the jar?
A: Because it was jammed
Q: What kind of person likes to have friends for lunch?
A: A cannibal.
Q: What do you call two old tailors?
A: An old sew-and-sew.
Q: How would you describe a man that is doing well in the boiled sweet business?
A: He’s a guy that’s made a mint.
Q: Why did the cowboy die with his boots on?
A: He didn’t want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket.
Q: What did the traffic cop give to a shepherd that drove his flock through town?
A: A ticket for making a ewe turn.
Q: What type of women is easy?
A: Archaeologists! They will date any old thing.
Q: What do Spanish farmers say to their chickens?
A: “Ole!”
Q: What’s the definition of a male Porn Actor?
A: A man that is a rising star.

Q: What is a Nymphomaniac Nudists favorite song?
A: I’m in the Nude for Love!
Q: What did Adam call his wife on the night before Christmas?
A: Christmas Eve
Q: What did Rudolph say to the other reindeer before telling them a joke?
A: “This one will sleigh you.”
Q: What kind of water conditions does Santa for surfing?
A: A Yuletide.
Q: What do American right-wingers think about Joseph Stalin’s grave?
A: It a Communist Plot!

The Gates of Heaven

The Office

A manager notices a new employee.
“What’s your name?” asks the manager.
“John.”
“I don’t know where you’ve come from John,” scowls the manager, “but we don’t use first
names here. I prefer my employees to use their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker
etc. Now, what’s your last name?”
The new guy smiles, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

The Gates of Heaven.

Bill Clinton dies on Christmas Eve and he met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates along with two other blokes.
“In honor of this holy season,” says Saint Peter, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to enter the Pearly Gates and Heaven.” The first man, a smoker, fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a lighter. He flicked it on and says, “Here this represents a candle.” “You may pass through the Pearly Gates,” replies Saint Peter. The second man reaches into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shakes them and says, “They’re bells.” “You may pass through the Pearly Gates,” replies Saint Peter. Bill Clinton starts searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulls out a pair of women’s knickers. St. Peter looks at Bill with a raised eyebrow and asks, “And just what do those symbolize?” “Why,” says Bill, “They’re Carol’s.”

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Men vs. Women

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in

$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything

smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,

razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can

spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she

does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows

about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite

foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

A Few Philisophical Statements...

Always take the time to smell the roses.. and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors' newspaper,

that's the time to do it

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry.. .but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

When I'm feeling down I like to whistle... it makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Husband Wife Jokes

3 guys die and go to heaven. God says to them, "Heaven is a big place, so you'll need some transportation. I will give you a vehicle, but the quality will depends on how loyal you were to your spouse. The first guy, who never even thought about cheating on his wife got a jet. The Second guy, who only cheated once, got an exotic sports car. The third guy, who cheated too many times to count. got a very old and ugly car.

The next day, the third guy was looking very depressed, so the first and second guys said, "Don't worry ! We'll let you drive our vehicles. "The third guy said, "That's not the problem. My wife has died.

She's here in heaven. I saw her riding a skateboard."

A worried husband phoned his doctor at 3 am. would you please come over as soon as possible? My wife has appendicitis, he said. Impossible, said the doctor, trying to calm him down, just give your wife some sleeping pills and she'll go back to sleep. But doctor, I tell you this serious. Please come over. Now look, Mr Philipps, three year ago I operated on your wife. I took out here appendix. Have you ever heard of anyone having a second appendix? Doctor, have you ever heard of anyone having a second wife?

Monday, 23 January 2012

Santa Banta Jokes

Santa and his wife, Jeeto, went to a fair. Santa had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost. "Rupees one thousand for 3 minutes" the pilot replied. "That`s too much" said Santa. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I`ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you`ll have to pay me the whole amount." Santa and Jeeto agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they landed, the pilot said to Santa, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said Santa, "but I gotta tell you, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Once Santa went in an electronic shop and asked the price of a T.V. The shopkeeper said that he doesn't sell things to sardars. Santa became angry and the next day he came dressed like a Muslim (with his hair normal like us). He did the same next day, but was told the again that they don't sell things to sardars. He became very angry and the next day he shaved off his head and came into the shop dressed like a south Indian. But once again he was told the same. He asked the shopkeeper that how did he recognise him everyday. The shopkeeper replied that because it was an oven instead of a T.V.

Once Santa and Banta wanted to do a job so they went to a office .There they were told this that their interview will after 4 days.Santa worked hard whereas Banta did not the day of the interview arrived Banta began feeling as he had not prepared anything.As Santa's turn came Banta told him that"Santa please tell me your answers which u say".Santa agreed.the officers who were taking the interview asked"what was the name of the first prime minister of India?Santa said"Jawaharlal nehru.then they ask him"when did India get independence?Santa said"1947".then they asked"tell something about geothermal energy?santa said"scientists are researching on it.then Santa comes out and all the answers to Banta.Banta goes inside.they ask him"what is your name?Banta says"Jawaharlal nehru"then they ask"when were you born?"Banta says "in1947"they ask"are you mad?"Banta says"scientists are still researching on it" ha ha ha...

Indo-American Comedy Movie

Kissing Cousins: It is a romantic comedy about a cynical bachelor, Amir (Samrat Chakrabarti), who decides to appease his relationship-minded friends by recruiting his beautiful British cousin, Zara (Rebecca Hazlewood), to pretend to be his girlfriend.

About this movie

Genres: Comedy, Romance

Language: English

Running time: 1:38:45

Charlie Chaplin As a Shoulder

Charlie Chaplin: Shoulder Arms

Charlie is in boot camp in the "awkward squad." Once in France he gets no letters from home. He finally gets a package containing Limburger cheese which requires a gas mask and which he throws over into the German trench. He goes "over the top" and captures thirteen Germans ("I surrounded them"), then volunteers to wander through the German lines disguised as a tree trunk. With the help of a French girl he captures the Kaiser and the Crown Prince and is given a statue and victory parade in New York and then ... fellow soldiers wake him from his dream.

About this movie

Genres: Comedy

Language: English

Running time: 35:46

Charlie Chaplin Best Collection

The Charlie Chaplin Festival

Four of Charlie Chaplin's best and most loved short films in one collection: The Adventurer, The Cure, Easy Street and The Immigrant.

About This Movie

Genres: Comedy, Classics

Language: English

Running time: 46:07

Sunday, 22 January 2012

If Men Ruled the World

1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
4. If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
5. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.
6. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
7. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
8. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the Cricket team of your choice.
9. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.If Men Ruled the World
10. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
11. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flint stone.
12. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
13. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
14. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
15. Garbage would take itself out.
16. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
17. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
18. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
19. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
20. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
21. But it would be celebrated every month.
22. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
23. Two words: Ally McNaked.
24. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative payper- view event in world history.
25. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
26. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
27. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
28. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
29. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
30. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
31. The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
32. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
33. Daisy Duke Shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of
conversation.

50 Fun Thing To Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask:"Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink"at the bottom.50 Fun Thing To Do in an Elevator

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space”
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable hostbody.”
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger.”
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!”

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Jokes for all

Two friends Bobby and Rohit were walking back from school when Bobby turns to Rohit and says, "Rohit if you had two Mercedes Benz cars would you give me one?" Rohit says, "Now, Bobby we've been best friends since class II and if I had two of those Mercedes, I would give the other one to you." After a couple of minutes, Bobby turns to Rohit and says, "Rohit if you had two helicopters of your own would you give one of them to me?" Rohit says, "Of course Bobby, we’re such good friends I wouldn’t even think twice.” They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Bobby turns to Rohit, "Rohit if you had two mega size Kit Kat packs - you know the ones with with six bars…." Rohit says, “Now wait a minute Bobby! You KNOW I've got two big Kit Kat packs"

A young boy called Tony went to study at a boarding school in the hills. After a month, his
mother came to visit him at his residence hall.
"And how do you find the students, Tony?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging
his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Tony! How do you manage to put up with these awfully noisy neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my drums."

joke for kids

Santa was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house.
"You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check.
"Also, in order to thank-you, here`s an extra Five hundred rupees to take the Mrs out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
Thinking the painter had forgotten something Santa asked, "What`s the matter, did you forget something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I`m just here to take your Mrs out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Once there were four men, one African, one Australian, one Chinese, and one Indian.
The Australian said, "lets make something."
The Chinese replied, "we'll make a TV."
Then the African said,"I'll make the inside part of the TV."
Australian said, "I'll make the outside part of the TV."
The Chinese said," I'll make the remote of the TV."
The Indian said, "I'll write Made In India."

One day three kids were praising about their fathers.One of them said "my dad fell from a high
building. He broke his leg. The doctor replaced it with a baseball bat. So he became a champion
in playing baseball."The other one said that my dad fell from a high building. The doctor
replaced it with a cricket bat. My dad became a champion in cricket." The third one said that my
dad fell from a high building. The doctor replaced it with the cow's stomach.My dad became a
champion in giving milk."

A foreigner comes to india.He likes it and decides to spend the rest of his life in India.
One day he thougth that he should learn hindi ,so he went to a hindi teacher
Teacher:Repeat after me
Foreigner:ok
Teacher:maine kiya
Foreigner:maaaaaaaaaaame kiyo
Teacher:manoranjan ke liye
Foreigner:maaanoraanjan kee liyee
Teacher:jaldi chalo
Foreigner:jaaldi chaaloo
Then the foreigner comes back to his house in the way and there was a murder of a person and
the police arrived.
Police:kisne kiya
Foreigner:mane kiya,mane kiya!!
Police:kyuonn kiya?
Foreigner:manoranjan ke liye
Police:police station chalo
Foreigner:jaldi chalo

Kid Jokes

Teacher - Where is Himalaya.
Kid - Madam!I don't know.
Teacher- Don't know? Stand on the desk.
Kid - I still cant see.

Teacher:What's the meaning of a school?
Robin: A school is a place where father pays and the child plays!

Girl: "What did you get that little medal for?"
Boy: "For singing."
Girl: "What did you get the big one for?"
Boy: "For stopping."

Son: "Dad, are you getting taller?"
Dad: "No, why do you ask?"
Son: "Because your head is growing through your hair!"
A little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he tapped his teacher on the shoulder
and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody
is going to get a spanking."

There were two brothers, who were very naughty. If anything went wrong in a locality they
were suspected. So one day their parents decided to take them to a counselor.
At the counselor’s place, he asked the younger brother: “Where is God?”
The kid went blank. The counselor again repeated the question. At this the kid cried and went
to his older brother saying that they were in trouble because God was lost and they were being
suspected for stealing him.

Rajiv: Oh God! Please make Mumbai the capital of India
Mother: But why son?
Rajiv: Because that’s what I wrote in my test paper.
Kids Naina: We should use soap to keep our body clean. What should we do to keep our heart clean?
Nancy- I don’t know !!! Probably we must eat the soap.

Friday, 20 January 2012

In Heaven

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

Flying in the plane

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormier flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars." The years went past, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an argument.The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars. So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back to the airport.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Jim and Doctor
Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.

"What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles

back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no

electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance.

"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."

"Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

Decent English Jokes

Five Englishmen

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

Nationalities...

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of
Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and
were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out
of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"
Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in

the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.The Englishman was hinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

General Jokes

Three Engineers

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!"

A city slicker

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,"Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!" "Now," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

Elderly man at home

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?" "Those are for the funeral."

KGGZZFS8JZKU

Three Rooms in Hell

Heavenly Golf

Moses, Jesus, and an older bearded man were playing a round of golf. Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It headed toward the water. Quickly, Moses raised his club and the water parted, allowing the ball to roll to the other side onto the fairway. Next, Jesus came up and hit his ball toward the same water hole. This time it hovered for a few seconds over the water. Casually, Jesus walked over to it and chipped it up onto the green. The older man then teed up and whacked the ball which headed over to a nearby highway. It bounced off the top of a truck and rolled down the gutter of a nearby house, then landed safely on a lily pad in a small pond where a large bullfrog swallowed it. At that moment a large eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog. As they passed over the golf course, the frog burped and the ball fell out of his mouth and into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, '' I hate playing with your dad.''

The Butcher and the Lawyer

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to
the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $12.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.50. A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: "$45 due for consultation".

Three Rooms in Hell

A man dies and goes to Hell. The Devil meets him at the gates and says "There are three rooms here. You can
choose which one you want to spend eternity in". The Devil takes him to the first room where there are people hanging from the walls by their wrists and obviously in agony. The Devil takes him to the second room where the people are being whipped with metal chains. The Devil then opens the third door, and the man looks inside and sees many people sitting around, up to their waists in garbage, drinking cups of tea. The man decides instantly which room he is going to spend eternity in and chooses the last room. He goes into the third room, picks up his cup of tea and the Devil walks back in saying "Ok, guys, tea break's over, back on your heads!"

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

General Jokes for all

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?" "Those are for the funeral."

An American who finds himself in Moscow wants to know the time. He sees a man approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the fellow if he knows the correct time. "Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and looking at his wrist. "It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is Feb. 13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure stands at 992 hecto pascals and is rising." The visitor is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the watch that provides all this information is Japanese. No, he is told, it is "our own, a product of Soviet Technology." "Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated." "Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases, "but these batteries are still a little heavy."

Santa Banta Jokes

Once a train was moving on the railway line. Suddenly the train got down from the railway line and started moving into the fields. The passengers got angry and decided to punish the train driver. When the train stopped, all the passengers came to the driver and asked:"Why did you take the train off the track into the fields." Driver: A man came in front and was standing on the railway line. Passengers: Why did you risk the life of so many passengers in order to save the life of one man.You should have driven the train on that man. Driver: I was going to do this only but the man ran towards the field.

Once Santa Singh entered a cybercafe to check his mails.It was crowded so he had to wait.As he waited he saw a man checking his mails.He stood behind him and watched.The man typed his password and was waiting when Santa Singh cried out"Yes yes I know your password.I can read your mails now. "Surprised the man asked "Oh yeah, tell me what is it". Santa singh replied " Five stars."

Banta: “My grandfather’s watch fell into a well and when it was found after 30 years, it was still keeping correct time”

Santa: What is so great about it? Once my grandfather fell into a well, and after thirty years
when he was taken out, he was still alive.”

Banta: “How can it be possible? What was he doing in the well for thirty years?”

Santa: “He was winding your grandfather’s wrist-watch.”

Once Santa Singh and some other country scientists came for launching a rocket.They started
the counting 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 go!The rocket was still there.They tried it 3,4 times.
Then Santa said"Wait I'll try"
He climbed up the rocket,first tilted to left,then to the right.He climbed down,and then asked them
to count.They started 10 9 8......go!The rocket went.
Everybody asked "How did u do it''.
Santa replied"In our country we start our bajaj scooter like that only...

Police jokes

Once a one police-man told another that he should catch the thief.He returns back.
First police-man asks him whether he had caught the thief or not.
He says "I hadn't caught him but got his finger-prints."
First police-man asks "where?"
He says "on my face."

A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.
"Shall I run and get it for you?" asked the prisoner obligingly.
"Do you think I am a fool" said the officer.
"You stand here and I'll get it."

The police sent a set of pictures of a wanted criminal to all stations within 100 kilometers.
The set contained a front shot and two side shots. A week later they got a fax saying, "We've
caught the fellow in the middle but we're still looking for the other two."

Policeman(to the watchman): Where were you when the labourer was kidnapped.
Watchman: I was on duty Policeman: Then why didn't you try to save him.
Watchman: Sir, my duty is to keep watch on the building & not on the men of the building

Teacher student general jokes

Teacher:Who was Raja Ram Mohan Roy ?
Student:They all four were great friends
Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask a question in english,answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight."

Teacher: Now children, if I saw a man beating a donkey with a stick and I stop him , what
virtue would I be showing?
Student : Brotherly love.

Teacher:Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher:Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

Laughing is good exercise

Return my horse!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar,
handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I did in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I did in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Chemistry Class

One day, the chemistry teacher asked his students, "What is the chemical formula for water?" Silly Suzie immediately raised her hand. "Yes, Suzie, what's the answer?", the teacher asked. Suzie answered proudly, "The chemical formula for water is 'HIJKLMNO'!" Her teacher looked perplexed. He asked, "What are you talking about?" Suzie replied, "Yesterday you said the formula for water is H to O!"

Improve Your Memory!

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it has made a big difference for me." "That's great! What
was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Just One Copy

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder. "I just need one copy."

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Hashgulle....

Sawaal: Pata hai kee Nishaar Bhai kaise paida hua?
Sawaal: Nahee Na?
(Thik hai, Mai Bata-ta Hu........)
Jabaab: Jawani Janeman, Haseen Dilruba
mile do dil java..... Nishaar ho gaya.

Banta ji platform par khre the tabhi train aane kee ghosnaa huai aur woh railway track se kud pade.
Unhe dekh kar ek aadmi chhilaaya "sardaar jee ky kar rahe ho mar jaoge!
To Banta jee Bole Marega tu! abhi abhi suna nahee kee train platform par aa rahee hai.

Baasi khabaar
Ek Do sheet wala Plane aaj kabristaan mein gir gaya. Local Sardaaro ne ab tak 500 death body haasil kiya
hai aur baaki kee talash ke liye abhi bhi khudai kar rahe hai.........

Santa singh (prito se) Jaanti ho jitnee der mein main ek saansh leta hu.
Utnee der mein Desh mein ek naya baccha janam leta hai.
Prito(chakit ho kar)- Hai raam, tab tum apnee yeh harkat chhor kyo nahee dete?
Desh kee aabaadi pahle se hee Itnee badhee hui hai.