common jokes

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man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly

m very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver,  said the

emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he d outpace the cop, the

friend to the old man.

man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car s speed rose to sixty, then

Oh, don t worry, I can drive.

seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and

pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.

eee

The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said:  Listen, Mister, I

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have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good

judge looked severely at the defendant and asked,  How many times

excuse and I ll let you go.

have you been imprisoned?

The man thought for a moment and said:  Three weeks ago my wife ran off

Nine, you Honour.

with a poli ce officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were

that officer and were trying to give her back to me.

Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.

No ticket.

Maximum sentence?  said the defendant.  Don t you give your regular clients

a discount

eee

L

eee

ate one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a

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well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.  Give me your money,  he

demanded.

ne  man to another.  I want to marry a smart woman, a good woman; a

woman who ll make me happy.

Indignant, the affluent man replied,  You can t do this I m a politician!

Make up your mind.

In that case,  replied the robber,  give me my money!

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J J J

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A

he doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical

n American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby.  The lift will be

examination.

down presently,  the receptionist told him.

The best thing for you to do,  the doctor said,  is give up drinking and

The lift?  said the American.  Oh, you mean the elevator.

smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.

No, I mean the lift.  replied the Englishman.

Doctor, I don t deserve the best,  said the patient.   What s next best?

I think I should know what it is called,  said the American.  Elevators were

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invented in the States.

Perhaps,  retorted the Englishman.  But we invented the language.

An old man gives good advice in order to console himself for no longer being able to set a bad

example.

Alphabet Jokes

W

T

hen an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he

wo terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a

turned her down, saying:  Your salary is already higher than that of the

bomb, which one of them had in his lap.

secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.

Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute,  said the man carrying

Excuse me,  the efficient woman replied,  I thought we got paid for what we

the explosive.

produce here not for what we produce at home in our own time.

Don t worry,  the driver assured him,  we have got a spare one in the boot.

ooo

A

B

small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came

oy to mother: I ve  decided to stop studying.

charging towards him.  As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly

continued his milking.

How come?  asked the mother.

To everyone s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy,

I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much.

turned around and walked away .  Weren t you afraid?  one of the workers

asked the boy.

F

Not at all,  the boy replied ,  I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.

or their first anniversary, a man bought his young wife a cell phone. She

was thrilled and listened eagerly as he explained all its features. The next

day she was out shopping when the phone rang.

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Hey, darling,  he husband said.  How do you like your new phone?

patient complains to a famous psychologist:  Professor, I ve been having

terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.

Oh, I just love it!  she gushed.  It s so cute and small and your voice sounds

so clear. But there s just one thing I don t understand.

Who s been treating you until now?

What s that?

Dr Lal Rathor.

How did you know I was at the sari shop?

I see. He s an idiot. I m curious to know what he advised you to do.

To come and see you.

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H

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usband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was

losing his temper.  Be careful,  he said to his wife.  You ll bring out the beast

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in me.

verheard: I can say one good thing about airline food: at least they re

considerate enough to give you only small portions.

So what?  his wife shot back.  Who s afraid of a mouse?