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Saturday 15 June 2013

English Jokes- Best English jokes

(Jokes,Jokes,Jokes,Jokes,Jokes,Jokes,Jokes,Jokes,Jokes,Jokes,Jokes,Jokes,Jokes,Jokes,Jokes,Jokes)
One liner Best English Jokes/Chutkule
 
man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly 
emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he d outpace the cop, the
man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car s speed rose to sixty, then
seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and
pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said:  Listen, Mister, I
have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good
excuse and I ll let you go.
The man thought for a moment and said:  Three weeks ago my wife ran off
with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were
that officer and were trying to give her back to me.
No ticket.........
eeeee

The police car, its siren blaring, raced in front of a speeding car and forced
it to stop.
A heavily built policeman got out and walked over.
You name, please?  asked the policeman, taking out his notebook and pen.
Aeneas Asclepius Iphicles Menoeceus Memnon Philoctetes Tyndareus Hylas.
The policeman thought for a moment, then looked at his notebook, shook
his head and said:  I ll just give you a warning this time   don t break the
speed limit again.

Get up,  shouted Albert s mother.  You ll be late for school.
But I don t want to go,  protested Albert.  All the kids are horrible, the teachers
are terrible, and it s all extremely boring. I want to stay home.
But,   replied Albert s mother,  you re forty-three and the headmaster of the
Certainly, officer,  replied the driver.  It s Horatio Xerxes Laertes Idomeneus
school.
.

Sunday 2 June 2013

Health Problem and their Solution.

Indian Health Problem and their Solution.
(Must See full Video to reduce your life time health problem without any other's help)

Right time to take meal
(Must watch full Video to know what is the best time for Lunch/breakfast/Dinner)

Funniest English Jokes/Chutkule

Funniest English Jokes/Chutkule
(English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes)
Save money with these top tips…

If you’re choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and Hey presto! The blockage is instantly dissolved.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them for you!

Ladies don’t buy a vibrator make own inexpensive version using an empty aluminium cigar tub filled with angry wasps.

Don't buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before using it.

Have hours of endless fun by putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl. It makes the their eyes bulge and causes them to swim like crazy.

Gentlemen avoid long running arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat, by simply pissing in the sink.

Got High blood pressure? Sufferers of this common complain can simply cure themselves by slashing their wrists and bleed for a while. This great method quickly reduces the pressure in your veins!

Have trouble getting up in the morning? A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep!
Q and A
Q: Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He’s all right now.
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
A: She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment.
Q: Why do prostitutes wear earrings?
A: It gives them something to hook their legs onto!
Q: Why do prostitutes use condoms?
A: They last longer than gum!
Never trust a stockbroker that’s married to a travel agent.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Historical
A guy complains to a mate, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What's wrong?” his pal asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend chuckles.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll say ‘I still
remember that time when you…’”
New shoes
A guy buys some shiny shoes and notices that when he stands near a girl he can see up
their skirt! So on Saturday night he goes to the local dance. When his girlfriend arrives
he says, “You’re wearing blue knickers tonight.” “Yes,” she says a bit surprised. “How did you know?” He explains her about the shinny shoes.  With a mischievous look she says, “Why don’t you check my sister?”
The guy goes to ask for a dance, but when he gets up close he staggers back in shock
and has to take a seat. “Well,” says his smirking girlfriend, “I see you’ve noticed that my sister doesn't wear knickers!”
“Thank go for that,” replies the young man, “For a minute there, I thought one of my
shoes had a crack in it!”
The 6-foot cockroach
A guy drinks six beers and when he’s finished the sixth the doorbell rings. As he opens
the door a 6-foot cockroach grabs him and throws him across the hallway. The next night after four beers, the doorbell rings. It’s the 6-foot cockroach again. It punches him in the stomach and walks away.

The next night the guy has just two beers when the doorbell rings. He slowly opens the door and sees the giant roach. It knees him in the groin and elbows him in the back of the head. While he’s doubled up in pain the roach walks away. Battered and bruised the guy goes to the doctors for a check up. “What can I do, Doc?” he asks.
The doctor replies, “Nothing pal. It’s just a nasty bug that’s going around.”
T-shirt slogans
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because: Millions on the dole depend on me!
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test: and the results were Negative.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.
Three surgeons
Three surgeons are discussing the best type of patient to operate on. The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table. As when I open them up I can do everything by numbers.”

The second surgeon says, “No, I think librarians are the best patients. When you open them up you can do everything alphabetical order.”

But the third surgeon says, “No, No the French are the best patients to operate on. When you open them up you’ll find, there’s no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.”
The screw
It’s the late 50’s and a guy goes to pick up his date. The girl’s father opens the front door and invites him in. “She’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” says the proud dad. “So what’s are your plans for tonight?”
“We’ll probably just go to the coffee bar and a movie.” Says the young man. The father replies, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young man, so he asks the father to repeat it.
“Yeah,” says the father, “My daughter really loves to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”
Eventually the girl appears and the young couple leave. About 10 minutes later, girl rushes back into the house, slamming the door behind her. She scream’s, “Dad! The dance is called ‘The Twist!’
Ding-Dong
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, a girl goes straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother. When she asks how her grandfather died, her grandmother replies, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, the girl says, “Two people nearly 100 years old having sex! Surely that’s asking for trouble?”  “Oh no, my dear,” replies granny. “Many years ago we realizing we should slow down. We found the best time to do it was just as the church bells start to ring. 
They have just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”  Wiping away a tear she continues, “and if that god dam ice cream van hadn't showed up, he’d still be alive today!”
British Standards
It’s amazing that family planning clinics always recommend condoms that are, ‘Manufactured to British Standards.’ Cause lets face it, so was the Titanic!
Two professors
Two Professors of English, One American and One British are talking. The American Professor says, “You know if Uncle Sam hadn’t helped in the Second World War you’d be speaking German.” To which the British Professor replies, “May be. And if the French hadn’t helped you
during the American War of Independence you’d still be speaking English.”

Hot English Jokes/Chutkule

Hot English Jokes/Chutkule
( English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes)
Two Hookers
Two prostitutes are talking about being arrested by the police, while waiting for some business.
“So, you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” asked the first.
“No,” replied the second, “but I've been grabbed by the tits a few times.”
Bottom Deodorant
A blonde woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant is a bit bemused and explains, “We don't sell bottom deodorant and never have.” The blonde replies, “I’ve been buying the stuff from this shore on a regular basis and I’d like some more.”
“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the assistant.
“Sure” Says the blonde pulling it from her handbag and handing it over.
“This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant.”
Annoyed blonde snatches the container back, and reads out loud from the container instructions, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A Wish
“And what would you like?”
“A penis!”
Somewhat surprised and embarrassed, the compare checks again, “You’d like what?”
“A penis!!”
“Right” says the compare, “There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Miss Frances’ wish
for the world is happiness!”
The Doctor’s appointment.
A guy walks into the doctor’s to make an appointment. “What’s your problem?” asks the pretty receptionist. “I’ll need the information for the doctor.”
“It's rather embarrassing,” stammers the guy. “I’ve an almost constant erection.” 
“Hum,” replies the receptionist, “the doctor’s very busy today, but I might be able to squeeze you in.”
“Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?”
“I can’t say.” Replies the Doc, “I never make rash promises!”
Q: What’s the difference between normal sex and anal sex?
A: About half an inch.
Q: What’s another name for Wife Swapping?
A: Four-Play
Q: What do you call a man with eleven dicks?
A: The manager of the England’s Football Team!
Q: What do you call a man that’s had a load taken off trouble taken off his mind?
A: Lester Walley O’Burt.
The maid
A maid is being fired for shoddy work. When her employer has finished talking the maid takes 5 pounds out of her purse and gives it to her.“What’s this for?” asks her former employer.
“Its for your dog.” Replies the maid. “He’s been helping me clean the dishes for weeks!”
“Doctor, Doctor I get poultry salary.”
“You mean paltry.”
“No, poultry. It’s chickenfeed.”
Essex girl
An Essex girl is involved in a car crash and is leaking loads of blood.
Eventually a medic turns up and asks, “Can you hear me?”
“Yes” replies the girl.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharon” she splutters.
“OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?”
With a slight cough she replies, “Romford mate.”
Q and A
Q: Where does Batman’s goldfish live?
A: In the bat tub
Q: Why is a leaking tap like a racehorse?
A: Because it is off and running
Q: What do you get if you cross a giant ape, with some whipped egg whites and sugar?
A: Merangue-atan
Q: What’s it called when a stallion runs around in circles?
A: Horsing around
Q: Why is Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson?
A: You find the present tense and the past perfect.
Q: Why did the kitten want to work at Xerox?
A: He wanted to be a copycat.
Q: Why did the guy like to avoid funerals?
A: He wasn't a mourning person.
Q: What happened when the ship carrying red paint and blue ship carrying blue paint
collided?
A: The survivors were marooned!
Q: Why are giraffes snobs?
A: Because they look down on everyone.
Q: What do you call a guy that crosses the ocean twice without taking a shower?
A: A dirty double crosser
Q: What's the definition of Lockjaw?
A: Never having to say you are sorry
Answering Machine Messages
My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished. 
A is for academics - B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?
Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll call sooner!
Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

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