Sunday, 2 June 2013

Funniest English Jokes/Chutkule

Funniest English Jokes/Chutkule
(English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes)
Save money with these top tips…

If you’re choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and Hey presto! The blockage is instantly dissolved.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them for you!

Ladies don’t buy a vibrator make own inexpensive version using an empty aluminium cigar tub filled with angry wasps.

Don't buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before using it.

Have hours of endless fun by putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl. It makes the their eyes bulge and causes them to swim like crazy.

Gentlemen avoid long running arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat, by simply pissing in the sink.

Got High blood pressure? Sufferers of this common complain can simply cure themselves by slashing their wrists and bleed for a while. This great method quickly reduces the pressure in your veins!

Have trouble getting up in the morning? A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep!
Q and A
Q: Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He’s all right now.
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
A: She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment.
Q: Why do prostitutes wear earrings?
A: It gives them something to hook their legs onto!
Q: Why do prostitutes use condoms?
A: They last longer than gum!
Never trust a stockbroker that’s married to a travel agent.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A guy complains to a mate, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What's wrong?” his pal asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend chuckles.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll say ‘I still
remember that time when you…’”
New shoes
A guy buys some shiny shoes and notices that when he stands near a girl he can see up
their skirt! So on Saturday night he goes to the local dance. When his girlfriend arrives
he says, “You’re wearing blue knickers tonight.” “Yes,” she says a bit surprised. “How did you know?” He explains her about the shinny shoes.  With a mischievous look she says, “Why don’t you check my sister?”
The guy goes to ask for a dance, but when he gets up close he staggers back in shock
and has to take a seat. “Well,” says his smirking girlfriend, “I see you’ve noticed that my sister doesn't wear knickers!”
“Thank go for that,” replies the young man, “For a minute there, I thought one of my
shoes had a crack in it!”
The 6-foot cockroach
A guy drinks six beers and when he’s finished the sixth the doorbell rings. As he opens
the door a 6-foot cockroach grabs him and throws him across the hallway. The next night after four beers, the doorbell rings. It’s the 6-foot cockroach again. It punches him in the stomach and walks away.

The next night the guy has just two beers when the doorbell rings. He slowly opens the door and sees the giant roach. It knees him in the groin and elbows him in the back of the head. While he’s doubled up in pain the roach walks away. Battered and bruised the guy goes to the doctors for a check up. “What can I do, Doc?” he asks.
The doctor replies, “Nothing pal. It’s just a nasty bug that’s going around.”
T-shirt slogans
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because: Millions on the dole depend on me!
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test: and the results were Negative.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.
Three surgeons
Three surgeons are discussing the best type of patient to operate on. The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table. As when I open them up I can do everything by numbers.”

The second surgeon says, “No, I think librarians are the best patients. When you open them up you can do everything alphabetical order.”

But the third surgeon says, “No, No the French are the best patients to operate on. When you open them up you’ll find, there’s no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.”
The screw
It’s the late 50’s and a guy goes to pick up his date. The girl’s father opens the front door and invites him in. “She’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” says the proud dad. “So what’s are your plans for tonight?”
“We’ll probably just go to the coffee bar and a movie.” Says the young man. The father replies, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young man, so he asks the father to repeat it.
“Yeah,” says the father, “My daughter really loves to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”
Eventually the girl appears and the young couple leave. About 10 minutes later, girl rushes back into the house, slamming the door behind her. She scream’s, “Dad! The dance is called ‘The Twist!’
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, a girl goes straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother. When she asks how her grandfather died, her grandmother replies, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, the girl says, “Two people nearly 100 years old having sex! Surely that’s asking for trouble?”  “Oh no, my dear,” replies granny. “Many years ago we realizing we should slow down. We found the best time to do it was just as the church bells start to ring. 
They have just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”  Wiping away a tear she continues, “and if that god dam ice cream van hadn't showed up, he’d still be alive today!”
British Standards
It’s amazing that family planning clinics always recommend condoms that are, ‘Manufactured to British Standards.’ Cause lets face it, so was the Titanic!
Two professors
Two Professors of English, One American and One British are talking. The American Professor says, “You know if Uncle Sam hadn’t helped in the Second World War you’d be speaking German.” To which the British Professor replies, “May be. And if the French hadn’t helped you
during the American War of Independence you’d still be speaking English.”

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