Sunday, 8 September 2013

Adult Jokes

· Recommended dosage of viagra:
New Girlfriend: No Need
Old Girlfriend: 1/2 Tablet
Mistress: 1 Tablet
Wife: 2 tabs+whisky+Porn Movie+Will Power

· Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.

· Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

· A man was charged with Necrophilia (having sex with a dead woman). The judge said; I havn't seen such disgusting case in 20 years. Can you give me one good reason why you did it?
Man: I can give 3 reasons.It' non of ur business, she was my wife and I didn't know she was dead as she always acted like that.

· Pappu meets his father in red light area. Pappu: Papa aap yahan?
Father: Bus beta ab 200-300 Rs ki cheez k liye teri maa k nakhre nahi sahe jate.

· Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

· Letter to mom by her daughter a month after her marriage: Fine here mom, but one problem... my husband keeps on fucking me all the time... while bathing, cooking, dish washing even while washing, Ironing clothes! I'm fucked up mom... Any idea to control his urges? Sorry for the SHAKY HANDWRITING.

· What is a man's definition of foreplay?
Half an hour of serious begging!

· Every married man keeps wondering every evening: Should I go out and look at what I cannot fuck or....Stay home and fuck what I cannot look at....

· A man stands nude in front of a mirror n examines himself: I wish 2 inches more & I'll b a king.
Wife sitting behind: I think 2 inches less & u'll b a queen.

· Wife bought a new transparent Bra, wore in front of her hubby.
Hubby: Issme tum bahut sexy lag rahi ho.
Wife: Pata hai ! Salesman bhi yehi keh raha tha.

· Q: Why do most women sleep in the afternoon ?
A: So that they can screw the tired man all night and blame him for poor performance!!

· Ladki: Tum Honeymoon k liye kahan kahan Gayi thi?
Saheli: Shimla, Kasauli, Mussoorie, Nanitaal.
Ladki: Achhaa... kya kya dekha Wahan pe?
Saheli: Sirf CEILING FAN!

· Wife: Muje lagta hai apka Rita k saath najayaz rishta hai.
Hubby: Ye tum kaise keh sakti ho?
Wife: Kal jab uske husband aye, to apki underwerr pehne huye the.

· Recommended Dosage of VIAGRA
New Girl friend: No need,
Old G/f: 1/2 tablet,
Mistress: 1 tablet,
Wife: 2 tabs + whisky + blue film + will power + her permission.

· In bed frustrated wife was moaning to her husband: Why is it taking so long to cum?
Husband: I'm trying dear; it's just that I can't think of anyone tonight!

· A time comes in life when your wife begins to trust you. It doesn't mean that you have become Enlightened. It doesn't mean that you have turned a Saint. It just means that you have lost your hunting abilities; she is convinced that you cannot even catch a running tortoise, leave aside a PUSSY.

· Wife 2 naked husband: Why r u walking around, the neighbours can see ur thing?
Husband: So what?
Wife: They'll think I married u for MONEY!

· Wife A: I hate my Engineer husband. Erect & Erect.
Wife B: I Hate my Doc husband. Inject & Inject.
Wife C: U both r lucky, mine is judge.. Tarik pe Tarikh

· On their first night:
Husband: Is it really ur first night?
Wife: No... No...Actually it is first time at night.

· Woman was having pain during delivery. Husband prayed: Oh Lord! Please make it lose for the Baby and then tight for the Daddy

· Doc: Reports have got mixed up. I don't know if ur wife has AIDS or Alzheimer
Man: What shld I do?
Doc: Drop her in the middle of town, if she comes back DON'T FUCK

· The groom stood naked in front of the mirror:
2 inches more & I'd be a king
Bride: Yes, 2 inches less & you'd be a Queen

· What is the difference between cheating ur wife and cheating on the taxman?
If u get caught, the taxman still want to screw you.

· A frustrated father's defensive reply in a sms msg to his offensive unruly son... I should have wasted u in the bathroom!

· One lady delivered twins, surprisingly one is boy & other is dog... How is it possible?
Her hubby is a hutch user... Wherever he goes his Network follows.

· Dentist didn't get erection on wedding night so he used finger. Wife: What's this?
Nothing honey, just a temporary filling

· Wife n Mobile:
1) Dono hi dusro ke achche lagte hai.
2) Dono hi naye achche lagte hai.
3) Dono ko hi raat bhar charge karna padta hai.

· Husband: I fancy kinky sex, how about I cum in ur ear?
Wife: No, I might go deaf!
Husband: I've been cumin in ur mouth 4 15yrs & u r still fuckin talking.

· 'Great, just what I need,' she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. 'One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.'

· Mother: Do u know the meaning of Mangalsutra?
Daughter: Yes, it is the license to enjoy Kamasutra.

· Q: What is the resemblance between a woman and a condom?
A: They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet.

· Q: Why does a woman have two pair of lips?
A: One is for fighting and one is to make up.

· Lady 2 Maid: Tu saare kaam mein bekaar hai!
Bai: Bister mein to aap se aachi hoon!
Lady: Tujhe sab ne bola kya?
Bai: Nahin, driver bol raha tha!

· A man kills a deer & cooks it but doesn't tell kids what it is.
He gives a clue: It's what mom calls me.
Boy cries out: Don't eat it. It's a fucking asshole.

· Suhagrat ke time darvaze pe dastak hoti hai toh dulhan bhag k parde ke peeche chup jati hai.
Husband: Kya hua?
Dulhan: Mujhe laga police ki raid par gai.

· Son kills a butterfly.
Dad: No butter for 2 weeks.
Son kills a honeybee.
Dad: No honey for 2 weeks.
Mom kills a cockroach.
Son: Dad u tell her or should I?

· Man: Bless me God! My son is drug addict, my daughter is a call girl, my wife is a gambler.
God: Is anything +ve in ur family?
Man: I'm HIV positive.

· Unborn twins in the mother's stomach saw a penis.
1st Baby: Dekh Papa aa rahe hai.

2nd: Abe stupid, ye pados wale uncle hai, papa kabhi raincoat nahi pehante.

Hot Sexy joks

Hot Sexy Jokes

. Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?

New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.

· Prof teaching muscle movement, asks a lady: Do you know what your asshole does when you have an orgasm?

Lady: Sure, he's at the office, working!

· UR msgs r like a Girl's Period, comes once a month for 3-4days & disappears. But My msgs r like a Man's Sperms that come Daily or Twice a Day. So msg like a Man.

· A loving husband tattooed I LOVE U on his dick n showed it to his wife. She replied: "This is ur old habit of Putting Words Into My Mouth...!"

· What's the geographical definition of sex?

It's an action done by Pol-land into Hol-land between Thai-land, occasionally with a little help from

Greece

· Bunny seriously objected to the nomenclature of VAGINA.

His objection: Iko cheez ta vajaan wali hai, teh ohnu kehande ne VAJAI NA !

· A woman who arouses a man and leaves is called a Cockteaser. What is a man who does the same called?

A Moisturiser.

· Our love will never become cold and hollow unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

· What is pure Hindi name of Condom??

Rubber ki Chiknai yukt Prajanan virodhak mardana Ling ki topi.

· Blonde: I think my tits are full of water.

Doctor: How do u figure that?

Blonde: Everytime a guy squeezes them my pussy gets wet

· A man was fucking a nurse. She shouts: Aah it's painful.

Man: Kamini, daily u r injecting me where I don't hv hole, I'm putting it in ur hole & u say it hurts

· Latest product in the market: George Bush condoms ideal for fuckers who dont know when to pull out

· Q: Who's senior: Penis or Vagina?

A: Vagina, because penis always stands up in its honour.

· Sex poetry: It's not the length, it's not the size, it's not how many times u can make it rise. It's not how well it fits, but how late it spits

· Skoda recently launched a new car model LAURA. All drivers are having a tough time when theor Memsahibs say: Driver Laura Nikalo!

· Kamra khushboo naal sajai baithe han, bed te navi chaddar bichayee baithe han,

Saadi deewangi tan dekho ohna ne raati auna hai te asi duphar de hi condom charai baithe han

· The first day at the London sperm bank was pretty unsuccessful. Only three men made appointments and, of those, one came on the bus and the other two missed the tube.

· All eggs in women decided to fight against sperms. They waited with guns in the pussy. That night no one came. Suddenly 1 shouted: Hamla Peeche se hua hai...

· What is Long & Hard, has a hole at the tip and when u insert it into a wet, hairy & tight hole makes u feel better?

Vicks Inhaler

· When u don't know whether to luv or hate, when u r in confused state, don't feel and don't debate, just sit alone & ...... MASTURBATE

· Whenever u feel low, depressed or useless, remember that u r the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.

· Cricketer describing a nude girl:

There is no cover, there is no extra cover, there 2 silly points, 2 fine legs & a deep gully, with little grass on the pitch.

· Man: May l hv some condoms please. I'm giving my gal a gift tonight.

Clerk: Shall I gift wrap them?

Man: No, the condoms will serve as a wrapper for the gift.

· Sex is good, sex is fine.

doggy style or 69,

just 4 fun or getting paid,

everyone loves getting laid,

so if u want me in the sack,

lick ur lips n text me back.

· Rosemary divorced Mr.Lele b'coz she was sick of telling her name,"Roz Meri Lele."
Imagine her tough luck, she was re-married to Mr. Marlow

· Husband: Jee karta hai ki tumhari zulfon mein kho jaaon, tumhare aankhon mein bas jaaon, tumhari bahon mein jhool jaon.
Wife: Neeche kya mohalle wale ghusengey?

· Description of prostitute, wife & girlfriend in mobile language?
First one is prepaid, second is postpaid and the last one is democard.

· Man 2 wife on wedding night: R u sure that I'm the 1st man you have slept with?
Wife: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others.

· Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

· Playboy has started a special edition 4 married men. The same woman is featured every month.

· A doc advising his patient who had a heart attack: No smoking, no drinking & hv sex only with ur wife because it is important that you avoid excitement.

· Ek bahu saari raat paraaye mard ke saath sokar aayi lekin uski saas ne kuch nahin kaha, why?
Kyonki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi!!

· What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when g/f is pregnant & panic is when both r pregnant.

· 'Great, just what I need,' she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven.
'One more thing that heats up instantly & goes off in 20 seconds.'

· It has been determined that the most often sexual position for married couples is the doggie position!
The hubby sits up and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead!

· Wife n Mobile:
Dono hi dusro ke achche lagte hai.
Dono hi naye achche lagte hai.
Dono ko hi raat bhar charge karna padta hai.

Hot dirty jokes

Hot Dirty Jokes

· What is invisible sex?

A male Negro fucking a female Negro under moonless night in a coal mine wearing a black condom.

· A friend like u is not like boobs coz everyone sucks them. Not like vagina coz it tears. You r like a penis coz it always stands when needed.

· Happiness is like penis; always looks small if u hold it in ur hands but when u learn to share it, u'll realize how big & precious it is!

· Man: Kiss Karun?

Gal: Lipstick kharab hogi.

Man: Boob dabaun.?

Gal: T-shirt kharab hogi.?

Man: Fuck?

Gal: Period me hun.?

Man: Don't say loose motions hai.

· Women r the best Engines: Accepts any size of Piston, are self Lubricating, start up with a Finger, automatic oil change every 4 week.

· Man gives blood to save his girlfriends life. Later on they split up & man wants blood back. She throws a used tampon at him & says: Pay u monthly, u bastard!

· Q: What's the definition of indefinitely?

A: When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you are in.....definitely.

· Q: Does penis deserve overtime & hazard pay?

A: Yes! Coz it works in deep, damp, hot tunnels, often head down & mostly in night shifts!

· A prostitute's nursery rhyme:

One two lets screw,

Three four I'm a whore,

Five six suck the dick,

Seven eight ejaculate,

Nine ten fuck me again.

· 3 men sitting in a cafe, all wanking.

Waitress: What the fuck are you all doing?

One points to a sign that reads: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!

· Little gypsy girl: Which way do my knickers go?

Her Mom: How many fucking more times do I have to tell u yellow to the front & brown to the back!

· They have found a new position in the Karma Sutra. It's called the 'plumber'...

Two of you stay in all day and no f*cker comes!

· Text msgs are like a blow job from an amateur prostitute......short, sweet and cheap!

· Mr & Mrs Blobby are lyin in bed 1 nite Mrs Bloby turns 2 Mr Bloby & says: Bluba lluba lupblub.

Mr Bloby turns & says: Shut the fuck up and swallow bitch!

· Little Girl: Mom, I just found out that the boy next door has a penis like a peanut.

Mommy: U mean it's small?

Little Girl: No, it's salty.

· 3 Facts of Life:

Garib aur Boobs hamesha dabte hai.

Musibat aur penis kabhi bhi khade ho jate hai.

Kismat aur Bra kabhi bhi khul sakti hai.

· One day the PENIS tells the balls: Tonight v r goin for a party!

The balls reply: U bloody fuckin liar, u always get inside while v r left outside!

· Q: If a married woman is called Polo... The mint with a hole, then what's an unmarried woman called?

A: Center Fresh.

· To avoid condom related accident use 2 condoms with chilli powder in between them if outer breaks she will know and if inner one breaks you will know!

· Q: What is the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A: A fridge does not moan when there is meat inside.

· Text messaging is like a blowjob off an amateur prostitute; short...sweet and always cheap!

· Q: What's the definition of suspicion?

A: A nun doing press ups in a cucumber field.

· A kiss is called humanity if its on cheek, love if on lips, passion if on breast, humor if on navel, sex if on vagina and called bravery if its on ass hole.

· Q: What's a birth control pill?

A: It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to prevent pregnancy.

· Q: Why are breasts located in the upper half of a woman's body?

A: Because, milk should be kept away from the pussy?

· Q: What's difference between cricketers n condoms?

A: Cricketers drop the catches n condoms catch the drops!

· A blowjob is the only job in the world that can't be included in your resume despite years of experience and a number of refrences!

· Wishing you a seductive & wonderful day licked by luv & penetrated by heavenly graces & may all your misfortunes be ejaculated!

· If u have two balls between ur legs it means u r man.

If u have have four, it does not means that u r superman, iska matlab aapki koi ga#d mar raha hai.

· Bio teacher: Girls, the size of a penis should be 6 inches for successful penetration.

Girl: Mam, how about 9 inches?

Teacher: I was talking of necessity not luxury.

· All medicines have Side effects, only VIAGARA has Front effect.

· Q: What is the definition of "burning love"?

A: It's when at night you reach out for the Vaseline gel and pick up Vicks Vaporub by mistake.

· Q: What is the height of shock?

A: When you are having sex with a pregnant woman & suddenly a hand grabs your dick from inside!

· A gal with his boyfriend opened her legs inviting him 2 fuck n asked: Hamare baby ka naam kya hoga?

He wears a condom n says: Iske baad bhi hogaya to `Jadugar'.

· Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia... One wrong move and you are in DEEP SHIT!!!!

· Sex is evil,

Evil is sin,

Sin is forgiven,

So stick it in.

· Luv is a sensation that is caused by temptation. The boy puts his location in the girl's destination. Do u get my explanation or wanna free demonstration?

· Old chinese proverb says: "Man with erection walking through door sideways is always going to Bangkok."

· MEN-opause, MEN-strual pain, MEN-tal illness, GUY-necologist, HIS-terectomy. Ever noticed how women's problems start with men??

· Sex is good sex is funny many people fuck for money but if you think sex is funny then fuck yourself and safe your money.

· Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'Goods delivered are not returnable.'

Groom gave another note back to father: 'Contract void if seal is broken.'

· He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppy disk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

Sunday, 2 June 2013

Funniest English Jokes/Chutkule

Funniest English Jokes/Chutkule
(English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes)
Save money with these top tips…
•
If you’re choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and Hey presto! The blockage is instantly dissolved.
•
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them for you!
•
Ladies don’t buy a vibrator make own inexpensive version using an empty aluminium cigar tub filled with angry wasps.
•
Don't buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before using it.
•
Have hours of endless fun by putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl. It makes the their eyes bulge and causes them to swim like crazy.
•
Gentlemen avoid long running arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat, by simply pissing in the sink.
•
Got High blood pressure? Sufferers of this common complain can simply cure themselves by slashing their wrists and bleed for a while. This great method quickly reduces the pressure in your veins!
•
Have trouble getting up in the morning? A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep!

Q and A

Q: Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He’s all right now.
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
A: She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment.
Q: Why do prostitutes wear earrings?
A: It gives them something to hook their legs onto!
Q: Why do prostitutes use condoms?
A: They last longer than gum!
Never trust a stockbroker that’s married to a travel agent.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Historical
A guy complains to a mate, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What's wrong?” his pal asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend chuckles.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll say ‘I still
remember that time when you…’”
New shoes
A guy buys some shiny shoes and notices that when he stands near a girl he can see up
their skirt! So on Saturday night he goes to the local dance. When his girlfriend arrives
he says, “You’re wearing blue knickers tonight.” “Yes,” she says a bit surprised. “How did you know?” He explains her about the shinny shoes. With a mischievous look she says, “Why don’t you check my sister?”
The guy goes to ask for a dance, but when he gets up close he staggers back in shock
and has to take a seat. “Well,” says his smirking girlfriend, “I see you’ve noticed that my sister doesn't wear knickers!”
“Thank go for that,” replies the young man, “For a minute there, I thought one of my
shoes had a crack in it!”
The 6-foot cockroach
A guy drinks six beers and when he’s finished the sixth the doorbell rings. As he opens
the door a 6-foot cockroach grabs him and throws him across the hallway. The next night after four beers, the doorbell rings. It’s the 6-foot cockroach again. It punches him in the stomach and walks away.

The next night the guy has just two beers when the doorbell rings. He slowly opens the door and sees the giant roach. It knees him in the groin and elbows him in the back of the head. While he’s doubled up in pain the roach walks away. Battered and bruised the guy goes to the doctors for a check up. “What can I do, Doc?” he asks.
The doctor replies, “Nothing pal. It’s just a nasty bug that’s going around.”

T-shirt slogans

•

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

•

I work hard because: Millions on the dole depend on me!

•

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

•

It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

•

I took an IQ test: and the results were Negative.

•

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

•

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

•

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.

Three surgeons

Three surgeons are discussing the best type of patient to operate on. The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table. As when I open them up I can do everything by numbers.”

The second surgeon says, “No, I think librarians are the best patients. When you open them up you can do everything alphabetical order.”

But the third surgeon says, “No, No the French are the best patients to operate on. When you open them up you’ll find, there’s no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.”

The screw

It’s the late 50’s and a guy goes to pick up his date. The girl’s father opens the front door and invites him in. “She’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” says the proud dad. “So what’s are your plans for tonight?”

“We’ll probably just go to the coffee bar and a movie.” Says the young man. The father replies, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young man, so he asks the father to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says the father, “My daughter really loves to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Eventually the girl appears and the young couple leave. About 10 minutes later, girl rushes back into the house, slamming the door behind her. She scream’s, “Dad! The dance is called ‘The Twist!’

Ding-Dong

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, a girl goes straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother. When she asks how her grandfather died, her grandmother replies, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, the girl says, “Two people nearly 100 years old having sex! Surely that’s asking for trouble?” “Oh no, my dear,” replies granny. “Many years ago we realizing we should slow down. We found the best time to do it was just as the church bells start to ring.
They have just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” Wiping away a tear she continues, “and if that god dam ice cream van hadn't showed up, he’d still be alive today!”

British Standards

It’s amazing that family planning clinics always recommend condoms that are, ‘Manufactured to British Standards.’ Cause lets face it, so was the Titanic!

Two professors

Two Professors of English, One American and One British are talking. The American Professor says, “You know if Uncle Sam hadn’t helped in the Second World War you’d be speaking German.” To which the British Professor replies, “May be. And if the French hadn’t helped you

during the American War of Independence you’d still be speaking English.”

Hot English Jokes/Chutkule

Hot English Jokes/Chutkule
( English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes, English Jokes)
Two Hookers
Two prostitutes are talking about being arrested by the police, while waiting for some business.
“So, you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” asked the first.
“No,” replied the second, “but I've been grabbed by the tits a few times.”
Bottom Deodorant
A blonde woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant is a bit bemused and explains, “We don't sell bottom deodorant and never have.” The blonde replies, “I’ve been buying the stuff from this shore on a regular basis and I’d like some more.”
“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the assistant.
“Sure” Says the blonde pulling it from her handbag and handing it over.
“This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant.”
Annoyed blonde snatches the container back, and reads out loud from the container instructions, “To apply, push up bottom.”

A Wish

“And what would you like?”

“A penis!”

Somewhat surprised and embarrassed, the compare checks again, “You’d like what?”

“A penis!!”

“Right” says the compare, “There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Miss Frances’ wish

for the world is happiness!”

The Doctor’s appointment.

A guy walks into the doctor’s to make an appointment. “What’s your problem?” asks the pretty receptionist. “I’ll need the information for the doctor.”
“It's rather embarrassing,” stammers the guy. “I’ve an almost constant erection.”

“Hum,” replies the receptionist, “the doctor’s very busy today, but I might be able to squeeze you in.”

“Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?”

“I can’t say.” Replies the Doc, “I never make rash promises!”

Q: What’s the difference between normal sex and anal sex?

A: About half an inch.

Q: What’s another name for Wife Swapping?

A: Four-Play

Q: What do you call a man with eleven dicks?

A: The manager of the England’s Football Team!

Q: What do you call a man that’s had a load taken off trouble taken off his mind?

A: Lester Walley O’Burt.

The maid

A maid is being fired for shoddy work. When her employer has finished talking the maid takes 5 pounds out of her purse and gives it to her.“What’s this for?” asks her former employer.

“Its for your dog.” Replies the maid. “He’s been helping me clean the dishes for weeks!”

“Doctor, Doctor I get poultry salary.”

“You mean paltry.”

“No, poultry. It’s chickenfeed.”

Essex girl

An Essex girl is involved in a car crash and is leaking loads of blood.

Eventually a medic turns up and asks, “Can you hear me?”

“Yes” replies the girl.”

“What’s your name?”

“Sharon” she splutters.

“OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?”

With a slight cough she replies, “Romford mate.”

Q and A

Q: Where does Batman’s goldfish live?

A: In the bat tub

Q: Why is a leaking tap like a racehorse?

A: Because it is off and running

Q: What do you get if you cross a giant ape, with some whipped egg whites and sugar?

A: Merangue-atan

Q: What’s it called when a stallion runs around in circles?

A: Horsing around

Q: Why is Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson?

A: You find the present tense and the past perfect.

Q: Why did the kitten want to work at Xerox?

A: He wanted to be a copycat.

Q: Why did the guy like to avoid funerals?

A: He wasn't a mourning person.

Q: What happened when the ship carrying red paint and blue ship carrying blue paint

collided?

A: The survivors were marooned!

Q: Why are giraffes snobs?

A: Because they look down on everyone.

Q: What do you call a guy that crosses the ocean twice without taking a shower?

A: A dirty double crosser

Q: What's the definition of Lockjaw?

A: Never having to say you are sorry
Answering Machine Messages
•My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
•A is for academics - B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.
•Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
•Hi. Now you say something.
•Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
•Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?
•Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll call sooner!
•Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Thursday, 30 May 2013

Hindi English Non Veg Jokes/Chutkule

(Non Veg Jokes, Non Veg Jokes, Non Veg Jokes, Non Veg Jokes, Non Veg Jokes, Non Veg Jokes, Non Veg Jokes)

· Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?

New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.

· Prof teaching muscle movement, asks a lady: Do you know what your asshole does when you have an orgasm?

Lady: Sure, he's at the office, working!

· UR msgs r like a Girl's Period, comes once a month for 3-4days & disappears. But My msgs r like a Man's Sperms that come Daily or Twice a Day. So msg like a Man.

· A loving husband tattooed I LOVE U on his dick n showed it to his wife. She replied: "This is ur old habit of Putting Words Into My Mouth...!"

· What's the geographical definition of sex?

It's an action done by Pol-land into Hol-land between Thai-land, occasionally with a little help from Greece!

· Bunny seriously objected to the nomenclature of VAGINA.

His objection: Iko cheez ta vajaan wali hai, teh ohnu kehande ne VAJAI NA !

· A woman who arouses a man and leaves is called a Cockteaser. What is a man who does the same called?

A Moisturiser.

· Our love will never become cold and hollow unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

· What is pure Hindi name of Condom??

Rubber ki Chiknai yukt Prajanan virodhak mardana Ling ki topi.

· Blonde: I think my tits are full of water.

Doctor: How do u figure that?

Blonde: Everytime a guy squeezes them my pussy gets wet

· A man was fucking a nurse. She shouts: Aah it's painful.

Man: Kamini, daily u r injecting me where I don't hv hole, I'm putting it in ur hole & u say it hurts

· Latest product in the market: George Bush condoms ideal for fuckers who dont know when to pull out

· Q: Who's senior: Penis or Vagina?

A: Vagina, because penis always stands up in its honour.

· Sex poetry: It's not the length, it's not the size, it's not how many times u can make it rise. It's not how well it fits, but how late it spits

· Skoda recently launched a new car model LAURA. All drivers are having a tough time when theor Memsahibs say: Driver Laura Nikalo!

· Kamra khushboo naal sajai baithe han, bed te navi chaddar bichayee baithe han,

Saadi deewangi tan dekho ohna ne raati auna hai te asi duphar de hi condom charai baithe han

· The first day at the London sperm bank was pretty unsuccessful. Only three men made appointments and, of those, one came on the bus and the other two missed the tube.

· All eggs in women decided to fight against sperms. They waited with guns in the pussy. That night no one came. Suddenly 1 shouted: Hamla Peeche se hua hai...

· What is Long & Hard, has a hole at the tip and when u insert it into a wet, hairy & tight hole makes u feel better?

Vicks Inhaler

· When u don't know whether to luv or hate, when u r in confused state, don't feel and don't debate, just sit alone & ...... MASTURBATE

· Whenever u feel low, depressed or useless, remember that u r the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.

· Cricketer describing a nude girl:

There is no cover, there is no extra cover, there 2 silly points, 2 fine legs & a deep gully, with little grass on the pitch.

Sexy Hindi Jokes/Chutkule

Sexy Hindi jokes/chutkule

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· What is invisible sex?
A male Negro fucking a female Negro under moonless night in a coal mine wearing a black condom.

· A friend like u is not like boobs coz everyone sucks them. Not like vagina coz it tears. You r like a penis coz it always stands when needed.

· Happiness is like penis; always looks small if u hold it in ur hands but when u learn to share it, u'll realize how big & precious it is!

· Man: Kiss Karun?
Gal: Lipstick kharab hogi.
Man: Boob dabaun.?
Gal: T-shirt kharab hogi.?
Man: Fuck?
Gal: Period me hun.?
Man: Don't say loose motions hai.

· Women r the best Engines: Accepts any size of Piston, are self Lubricating, start up with a Finger, automatic oil change every 4 week.

· Man gives blood to save his girlfriends life. Later on they split up & man wants blood back. She throws a used tampon at him & says: Pay u monthly, u bastard!

· Q: What's the definition of indefinitely?
A: When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you are in.....definitely.

· Q: Does penis deserve overtime & hazard pay?
A: Yes! Coz it works in deep, damp, hot tunnels, often head down & mostly in night shifts!

· A prostitute's nursery rhyme:
One two lets screw,
Three four I'm a whore,
Five six suck the dick,
Seven eight ejaculate,
Nine ten fuck me again.

· 3 men sitting in a cafe, all wanking.
Waitress: What the fuck are you all doing?
One points to a sign that reads: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!

· Little gypsy girl: Which way do my knickers go?
Her Mom: How many fucking more times do I have to tell u yellow to the front & brown to the back!

· They have found a new position in the Karma Sutra. It's called the 'plumber'...
Two of you stay in all day and no f*cker comes!

· Text msgs are like a blow job from an amateur prostitute......short, sweet and cheap!

· Mr & Mrs Blobby are lyin in bed 1 nite Mrs Bloby turns 2 Mr Bloby & says: Bluba lluba lupblub.
Mr Bloby turns & says: Shut the fuck up and swallow bitch!

· Little Girl: Mom, I just found out that the boy next door has a penis like a peanut.
Mommy: U mean it's small?
Little Girl: No, it's salty.

· 3 Facts of Life:
Garib aur Boobs hamesha dabte hai.
Musibat aur penis kabhi bhi khade ho jate hai.
Kismat aur Bra kabhi bhi khul sakti hai.

· One day the PENIS tells the balls: Tonight v r goin for a party!
The balls reply: U bloody fuckin liar, u always get inside while v r left outside!

· Q: If a married woman is called Polo... The mint with a hole, then what's an unmarried woman called?
A: Center Fresh.

· Man: May l hv some condoms please. I'm giving my gal a gift tonight.
Clerk: Shall I gift wrap them?
Man: No, the condoms will serve as a wrapper for the gift.

· Sex is good, sex is fine.
doggy style or 69,
just 4 fun or getting paid,
everyone loves getting laid,
so if u want me in the sack,
lick ur lips n text me back.

· 'Great, just what I need,' she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. 'One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.'