04/01/2012 - 05/01/2012

Wednesday 25 April 2012

Prince Charles

Charles and Camilla

Prince Charles is returning to the Royal Palace at Windsor when he runs over two of the Queen’s favourite corgis. They are both flat as fan cake and while wondering what to do, a Genie appears. “As the future King of England,” says the Genie, “I will grant you one wish.” “Thank God for that,” thinks Charles, “please resuscitate these corgis or one’s mum will have my guts for garters.” The Genie looks at the two squashed corgis anxiously and scratches his head. “Don’t you have another wish?” asks the genie, “The corgis are mashed!” “Well says Charles there is one thing could you make Camilla look beautiful?” “Hum,” says the genie, “let me have another look at those corgis.”

Women talk

Two married women are talking and one says to her pal,
“My husband tried to put the magic back into our love life last night.”
“Really!” says her friend.
“Yep, but his wand wasn’t up to it.”

A sage knows that… “A man with a watch always knows what time it is, but a man with
two watches is never sure what time it is.

A guy had a short story that everyone agreed was rubbish. So he decided to re-write it
as a poem. When he handed out his new work for review, everyone agreed that it had
gone from bad to verse!

few funny jokes

A bloke walks into a pub and shouts, “Has anyone heard any royal rumors today?”
“I say,” says one of the customers, “I’ll be buggered if I repeat any of those...”

Two blokes are in the pub and ones says to his pal, “Do you know, all those stories about oysters being good for your sex life are total crap! I had a dozen last night and only eight of them worked.”

The bridge club
While a woman is waiting for the members of the bridge club to arrive she accidentally lets rip with a massive fart. The scent is unmistakable, so she fishes out a can of air freshener and hurriedly sprays the room.
Minutes later her pal arrives. Sniffing the air as she walks in the front door, she candidly announces, “Christ! What have you been doing in here? It smells like someone’s shit in a pine tree!”

HondaEvery time a guy farts the word Honda flutters from his arse. Going to the doctors he demonstrates the phenomenon, which doesn’t surprise the doctor in the slightest. The doctor simply asks the man to open his mouth where he finds a tooth abscess. The Doc quickly lances the abscess and the man’s problem is cured!
“That’s amazing,” says the patient. “How did you know what to do?”
“Simple,” says the Doc. “Everyone knows that an abscess makes the fart go Honda.”

The fancy restaurantA woman is sitting in a fancy restaurant with some friends when she let’s go a massive
fart. The waiter is standing behind her, so she loudly says,
“Waiter, will you please stop that!”
“Certainly madam,” says the waiter. “Which way did you sent it?”

Old timers
Two old timers are sitting on a bench watching the world go by on a warm spring day,
“You know,” says one of them, “I may be 75, but on a day like today, it feels great to be
alive. I feel like a newborn baby. How do you feel?”
His pal replies, “Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby as well. I’ve No hair, No teeth, and
I think I’ve just pissed my pants!”

funny question and answer jokes

Q: Why do women fart after they pee?
A: They can’t shake it, so they blow-dry it!

Q: How do you know when a plane if full of female passengers?
A: When it lands and they turn off the engine the whining doesn’t stop.

Q: What’s the definition of optimism?
A: An England Cricket Batsman that applies sun block before batting.

Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A: They drowned during Spring Training.

Q: How do we know that Dracula is a vampire?
A: In the census he stood up to be counted.

Q: Why has Dracula got heartburn?
A: He had too much steak!

Q: What’s black shiny and sails the seven seas?
A: Bin-Bag the sailor.

Q: What did Charles find difficult about going on his trip to Arabia?
A: Leaving his servants behind.

Q: Why does Charles find his butler so attractive?
A: Have you seen Camilla?

Q: What should you do if you’re a passenger is a car that’s acting funny?
A: Check the nut behind the wheel!

Q: What did the cannibal say as he ate an explorer?
A: Doctor Livingstone I consume!

Q: What do you give to a distressed lemon?
A: Lemonade

Q: A man is thinking about playing golf in the morning, so what did he do?
A: Play, in dew course.

Monday 23 April 2012

Male-Female jokes

The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter!

The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Female
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what’s wrong, they say "nothing"
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. They always turn simple statements into big problems.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild!

Lazy Workmen

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick
them into doing some work for a change.
“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the
laziest man please put his hand up.”
Nine hands went up.
“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.
“Too much trouble,” came the reply.

English daughter's jokes

The three daughter’s
Three daughters live with their very protective father and all of them get there first day on the same night.
When the doorbell rings. The father gets out his 12-gauge shotgun, opens the door and yells, “What do you want!”
The first boy replies, “My name is Freddie and I’m here for Betty. We’re going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?”
The father calls Betty and they go out.
Ten minutes later, the doorbell rings again. The father gets out his 12-gauge shotgun,
opened the door and yells, “What do you want!”
The second boy replies, “My name is Joe, and I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready?”
Flo comes running down stairs and off they go.
Ten minutes later, the doorbell rings again. The father gets out his 12-gauge shotgun,
opens the door and yells, “What do you want!”
The third boy replies, “Well... my name is Chuck...”
BANG!
New watch
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a
quick glance and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” says the guy, “I’ve just bought this telepathic watch and I’m testing it.”
“Telepathic watch, what's so special about it?" The intrigued woman asks.
“Well,” says the guy, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me.”
“So, what's it telling you now?"
“It says you’re not wearing any knickers.”
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing
knickers!"
“Damn,” says the guy, ”it must be an fast again."
Cricket
A guy is at home with the missus when he hears a knock at the door. He opens it and finds his pal Steve clutching his hands between his legs.
“What’s wrong Steve?” He asks.
“I’ve just been hit by a bloody cricket ball!”
“Quick come in and I’ll get the wife to look at it for you.”
A few minutes later in the kitchen the guy finds his wife bathing his friend’s dick and balls with iced water.
“God Dam!” He thinks, “How do you feel Steve?”
Steve turns to his mate with a big grin and says, “What your wife’s done has really
helped a lot. But I still think I’m going to loose will my finger nail.”

Few Question Answer Jokes

Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead!

Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer!

Q: Why do English Footballers make better lovers than French and German Footballers?
A: The English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 Minutes and still come
second!

Q: What have the England Football team and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: They are both useless in Europe!

Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with Lassie?
A: A dog that’ll savage your leg and then run off to fetch a doctor.

Did you hear about the blonde that took her first bicycle back to the store where she
bought it? She said it was defective as every time she tried to ride it, it fell over.

Q: How many perverts does it take to put a light bulb in?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire casualty department to get it out.

Did you hear about the orchestra leader that was nearly stuck by lightning?
The audience put his escape down to him being a poor conductor.

Q: What did Sir Lancelot say when he arrive at a hotel?
A: Have you got a bed for a Knight?

Thought for the day: The day Microsoft makes something that doesn’t suck is the day
they start making vacuum cleaners.

Met a gorgeous Dutch girl with inflatable shoes.
I rang her up before but she had popped her clogs.

Sunday 22 April 2012

hot hot hot jokes

How to Survive

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?"

he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food,matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked
the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say,

"Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Traveling

A traveler is in the desert when he sees two local men castrating camels. One of the local’s backs the camel up to a guy holding two bricks. The guy holding the bricks then smashes them together to castrating the camel. After recovering from the sympathetic pain in his crotch the traveler walks over to the guy holding the bricks.
“Doesn’t that hurt?" He asks. "No, No,” replies the local, “as long as you keep your thumbs out of the way."

Three Friends

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde are talking one day.
The Russian says, "You know, we were the first in space!"
The American says, "Well, we were the first on the moon!"
To which the blonde replies, "That’s nothing, Blondes are going to be the first on the
sun!" The Russian and the American looks at each other and smile.
"You can't land on the sun, you'll burn up!" says the Russian.
The Blonde replies, "Duh! We're not stupid! We're going when it’s night time!"

Beautiful Answers

John: “When I was young doctor life was terrible. All I had to wear was hand-me-down clothes. Do you think my problems stem from that?”
Psychiatrist: “I doubt it. What’s so terrible about hand-me-down?”
John: “I’ve only got is older sisters.”

Mick: “Mack, did the wife have much to say about you coming home drunk last night?”
Mack: “Na, but that didn’t stop her from talking for two hours at breakfast.”

Mother: “Don’t call your sister is stupid! Tell her you’re sorry!”
Son: “OK I’m sorry you're stupid, Sis!”

Son: “Dad! Mum’s just backed the car out of the garage and run my bicycle over!”
Dad: “Well that’ll teach you not to leave it on the front lawn.”

Lady: “I’d like a pair of alligator shoes please.”
Assistant: “OK. What size does your alligator take?”

Creditors have better memories than debtors.
If you want to remember, become a creditor.

Joe: “What kind of dog is that you’ve got?”
Bill: He’s a pure blooded police dog.”
Joe: “Wow, he doesn’t don't look like a police dog!”
Bill: “Of course he doesn’t! He does undercover work!”

Teacher: “Ok who class, who can tell me how the counties of England got their names?”
Johnnie: Miss, Miss! Did they name them after cricket teams?

Friday 20 April 2012

Alternative definitions

Avoidance: I don't want to go to the dance.

Concourse: A golf course for criminals

Optimist: Happy fog.

Pessimist: Sad fog.

Sandbar: Where beach bums get drunk.

Submit: Wet glove.

Subside: Side of the ocean.

Survey: Map making knight.

Flatulent: A property that that your mate is living it.

Amplitude: Loudspeaker with an attitude.

Monsoon: A Caribbean teenage boy

Appointment: The business end of an assassin's knife.

Approximate: A stand-in for a regular friend.

Coffee, a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted, appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate, to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade, to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly, impotent

Negligent, describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your
nightie.

Lymph, to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle, an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence, the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.

Balderdash, a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle, a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude, the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately
before he examines you.

Oyster, a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent, the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Barby Doll, A doll with sharp steel spikes.

funny letter

Excerpts from letters sent to landlords…

1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

2. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

3. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

4. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

5. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

7. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife
tripped on it and is now pregnant."

8. "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to
drink."

9. "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and
need it straight away."

10. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and
made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."

Super Hot Jokes

The Antique Furniture Dealer

An antique furniture dealer, Rose Wood, was a Chippendale off the old block. She had a great sense of humor and was always telling oaks! Sometimes she maple our leg a little too much!

Rumors said that she was a sexy woman, and that many a man wood filler crack. But others said there’s knot a grain of truth in that.

It’s certainly true that she broke few hearts, as guys wood pine for her. She liked men with polish. She liked men that didn’t go against the grain. Often she’d be dating a guy and they wood varnish mysteriously. It’s suggested that she wood be helping him put a spit shine his hardwood.

The true love of her life was a carpenter and an expert at tongue and groove. He helped her restore her prized position a black box. He spent hours polishing her box lovingly and she thanked him for it, by waxing lyrical about his wood.

I will cedar point to you – She was familiar with softwoods, but she enjoyed a hardwood more than any thing!

The accident

A husband gets a phone call from the hospital saying that his wife has been involved in a car accident and she's in a coma.He rushes to the hospital to be by her bedside and there he remains for over a week while the doctors are giving up hope but after being there for so long he was getting rather frisky so waits for the doctor to finish his checks and leave the room and his slips his hand under the covers and strokes his wife's leg when he thinks he sees her finger twitch. So he strokes her inner thigh moving upwards and he hears his wife moan.He rushes out of the room yelling for the doctor and tells him that what happened. The doctor takes him aside and suggests that if he tries oral sex, it may be bring his wife round and that he'll keep everyone out of the room so they can have some privacy. The husband excitedly goes into his wife's room and the doctors and nurses wait patiently outside in the corridor. A few minutes later the guy comes out looking pale, the doctor says "What's the matter?"
"She's dead"
"Well didn't you do as I suggested?"
"Yes Doctor but she choked!"