SOME BEST OFFICE JOKES

A new business was opening, and a long-time friend of the owner decided to send flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the "grand opening", accepted a glass of champagne and a warm handshake from his host, then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants. Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached card bearing this sentiment: "Rest in Peace"
Embarrassed and irate at the florist's error, he phoned to lodge a complaint. After venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist's explanation. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry....imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying: Congratulations on your new location!"
Perplexing Paradox No. 1
A crocodile caught a kid and when kid's mother came for rescue, crocodile posed her a question - 'U can make a statement. If you speak the truth in it, i will return your kid . Otherwise i will eat him.' And the mother agreed. The clever mother made the statement - "You will eat my kid'. Now, the crocodile is in a dilemma of what to do.
Perplexing paradox No. 2
A king caught the bandit chief and before punishing , offered him a statement. The king said ' You can make a statement. If you say the truth in it, you will be shot and if not you will be hanged ' . The clever bandit chief replied ' I will be hanged'. The king got into a dilemma of what to do.
Perplexing paradox No. 3
Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fee. The student struck a deal saying ' I would pay your fee the day i win my first case in the court'. Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, student reminded the deal and pushed days. Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves. The teacher put forward his argument saying : " If i win this case, as per the court of law, student has to pay me.And if i lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way i will have to get the money ". Equally brilliant student argued back saying : "If i win the case, as per the court of law, i don't have to pay
anything to the teacher. And if i lose the case, i don't have to pay him because i haven't won my first case yet. So either way, i am not going to pay the teacher anything ".

BEST ANCHOR JOKES

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow. "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!" After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets. "You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly. "No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy." "That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely. "But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you
came to be such an outstanding shot." "Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how  bout this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to thistorment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

AMERICANIZATION JOKES

u don't open a telephone conversation with a HELLO but with a "Hi"
The telephone is never "engaged", it's always "busy".
U don't "disconnect" a phone, U simply "hang-up".
U never "mess-up" things, U only "screw them up".
U never have a "residence" tel. no., U have a "home" no.
U don't stop at the "signals", but halt at the "lights".
U don't "accelerate", U "step on the gas".
Your tire never "punctures", U may have a "flat".
The trains have "coaches" or "boggies' no more but "carriages" or "boxes".
There R no "petrol pumps", but "gas stations".
"I don't know nothing", 2 negatives don't make a positive here.
U no longer meet a "wonderful" person, U meet a "cool" guy
U don't pull the switch down to light a bulb,rather flick it up.
There's no "Business Area" only "business districts", and no "districts" but "counties".
No one stays "a stone's throw away", might"a few blocks away". There's no "Town Side", it's "Down Town". In hotel U no longer ask for "bill" and pay by "cheque", rather ask for "check" and pay with (Dollar) "bill"s. There R no "soft drinks", only "sodas". Life's no longer "miserable" it "stinks". U don't have a "great" time, U have a "ball". U don't "sweat it out", U "work U'r butt off". Never "post" a letter, always "mail" it and "glue" the stamps, don't "stick" them. U no longer live in "flats" or "blocks", find an "apartment". U don't stand in a "queue", you are in a "line". U no longer "like" something, U "appreciate" it. "#" is not "hash", it's "pound". U R not "deaf", U have "impaired hearing". U R not "lunatic", U are just "mentally challenged". U R not "disgusting" U R "sick". U can't get "surprised" U get "zapped". U don't "schedule" a meeting, U "skejule" it. U never "joke", U just "kid". U never "increase" the pressure, U always "crank" it up. U never ask for a pencil "rubber" U ask for an eraser. a rubber is a condom U don't try to find a lift U find an elevator. U no more ask for a route but for a "RAUT"U don't ask somebody "How r u ?", U say "What's up dude?"U never go to see a game U go to watch a game. If U see "World" champions(or Series),read "USA"champions(or Series).
There's no "zero" but "o", no "Z" but "zee". There's no FULL STOP after a statement, there's a PERIOD. If someone gets angry at U, U get "flamed".You don't say "How do you do", you say "How you doin" In short U don't speak English, U speak American.Well u dont' say life is boring u say LIFE SUCKS !!!!!

BOSS AUR ROBERT JOKES

Boss : Raabert!
Rab : Yes, bass?
Boss : Yeh "bus" mei kuch hawa daal do.
Rab : Lekin, kyon bass?
Boss : Yeh bus "Airbus" ban jayega.
Robert : boss, China se Mr. Hu aayee hain.
Ajit : Goli maar do. Hu mar jaane par humor ban ke sab ko hasaayenge.
Scene: Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona da..arrling's typing.
Ajeet : Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Raabert : Magar kyoon baas?
Ajeet : Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.
Ajeet : Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger
starrt kar do.
Raabert : Lekin kyoon, baas?
Ajeet : Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.
Ajeet : Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?
Raabert : Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakka maar raha hai.
Ajeet : Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone
milana.
Raabert : Yes Boss.
Ajeet: : (on phone, to Richards): Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa
hamare kabze mein
hai .......
A SCENE 
Scene: Giving a decision as to how the hero should be killed. Ajeet :Peter, time bomb le aao aur is saale ko usse bandh do.Timer ko teek das bajhe set kar do. Nahin nahin, yeh saala to sub cheez hamesha late karta hai. Iska mauth bhi late hona chahiye. Timer ko panch minute late rakh do. Arre, Raabert, Raabert, bevkoof, silly fellow, time bomb ko yahan peh math rakho, yeh to 'no-smoking' area hai. Ha haa ha. Time bomb 'tic tic tic tic' karke bajega. Aur iska dil 'tup tup tup' karke dhatakega. Tum agar paas me khade hoge to tumko 'tic tup tic tup tic tup' suanaai dega"

BEST HINDI JOKES

Raabert : Baas, iss aadmi ne hamaare saath gaddaree kee hai..
Ajeet : Iss kuththe ki ek haath mein titan ki ghadi aur doosre haath mein hmt ki ghadi pehnaado.
Raabert : Lekin baas, yeh to gaddaar hai.
Ajeet : Hum jaante hain, raabert. Isko bathaana hai ki ab yeh do ghadi ka mehmaan hai.
Raabert : Baas, Sona kahan hai? (Where is the gold?)
Ajeet : Saara beach hamaara hai. Kahi bhee so jao raabert.
Raabert and Ajeet are escaping in a boat and suddenly there's a hole in the boat and water starts coming in. Raabert is anxious.
Raabert : Ab kya hoga baas...?
Ajeet : Ek aur hole kardo, Raabert...
Raabert : Ek aur hole..?!!
Ajeet : Ek hole pe 'IN' likh do aur doosre hole par 'OUT' likh do. Paani
IN mein aayega aur
OUT se baahar jaayega...
Ajeet : Is gaddaar ko shaampein mein dubaa do.
Raabert : Lekin kyon, baas?
Ajeet : 'Shame se' nahin to 'Pain' se mar jaayega...
Mona comes in with a proposal to get married
Mona : Baas, Humne Toni se shaadi karni hai
Ajeet : Mona yeh bilkul nahi ho sakta
Mona : Lekin baas, yeh kyon?
Ajeet : Mona, tumne agar Toni se shaadi ke to yahan bahut monatony ho jaigi.
Mona goes ahead, gets married and has twin boys

Raabert : Baas, Mona ke judwa ladkae hua hai.
Ajeet : Theek hai humne inke naam bhi soch liye pehle ka Peter aur
doosra Repeater
Later, Mona has twin girls
Raabert : Baas, Mona ke judwa ladkiya hua hai.
Ajeet : Theek hai humne inke naam bhi soch liye - pehli ka Kate aur doosri
DupliKate
Raabert : Baas, mein aaj kaam pe nahin aaoonga. Mujhe stomach ache
hai.
Ajeeth : Abay bavakoof ! Har kisi ko stomach ek hi hotha hai.
Ajeeth : Raabert, is gaddhar ko is duniya se aazad kar dho. Iski
laash ko Police Estation
ke saamne phenk dho. Aur is ke side mein ek suyi bhonk dho.
Raabert : Lekin baas side mein suyi kyon ?
Ajeeth : Thake Police samjhe ki ye suyiside hai.
Raabert : Baas meri beevi ko theen ladke payida ho gaye hai. Mein
inka naam kya rakhoon
Ajeeth : Phele ka naam Peter rakho, dusre ka naam Repeater rakho
aur theesre ka naam
Chin Chin Choo rakhko.
Raabert : Lekin baas thesre ka naam Chin Chin Choo kyon ?
Ajeeth : Are bevakoof, woh isliye ke duniya mein har theesra
bachha Chinese hotha hai.
Mickey Mouse : Ajit, Muzhe Ramayan padhnee hai.
Ajeet : Raabert, isse wall peh chipka do
Raabert : yeh kyon baas?
Ajeet : Taaki yeh waal-mickey kehlaygaa aur usse Ramayan apne aap
samazh me
ayegee!
Scene: Ajit murders a man.
Ajeet : Raabert, Is aadmi ko Hero Honda ki tank mein dal do.
Raabert : kyon baas?
Ajeet : Fill it,shut it,forget it!

SOFTWARE HUSBAND JOKES

Husband : ( Returning late form work ) "Good evening Dear, I'm now
logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or file name.
Wife : But I told you in the morn...
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being
funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!...
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter.
Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use...
Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot

Unwanted Answered Jokes

A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly

emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he’d outpace the cop, the

man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car’s speed rose to sixty, then

seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and

pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.

The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: ‘Listen, Mister, I

have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good

excuse and I’ll let you go.’

The man thought for a moment and said: ‘Three weeks ago my wife ran off

with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were

that officer and were trying to give her back to me.’

No ticket.

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Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a

well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. ‘Give me your money,’ he

demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, ‘You can’t do this—I’m a politician!’

‘In that case,’ replied the robber, ‘give me my money!’

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An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. ‘The lift will be
down presently,’ the receptionist told him.
‘The lift?’ said the American. ‘Oh, you mean the elevator.’
‘No, I mean the lift.’ replied the Englishman.
‘I think I should know what it is called,’ said the American. ‘Elevators were
invented in the States.’
‘Perhaps,’ retorted the Englishman. ‘But we invented the language.‘
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A judge looked severely at the defendant and asked, ‘How many times
have you been imprisoned?’
‘Nine, you Honour.’
‘Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.’
‘Maximum sentence?’ said the defendant. ‘Don’t you give your regular clients
a discount’.
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The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical
examination.
‘The best thing for you to do,’ the doctor said, ‘is give up drinking and
smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.’
‘Doctor, I don’t deserve the best,’ said the patient. ‘What’s next best?’

Best answered jokes

When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he

turned her down, saying: ‘Your salary is already higher than that of the

secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.’

‘Excuse me,’ the efficient woman replied, ‘I thought we got paid for what we

produce here—not for what we produce at home in our own time.’

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Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a

bomb, which one of them had in his lap.

‘Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute,’ said the man carrying

the explosive.

‘Don’t worry,’ the driver assured him, ‘we have got a spare one in the boot.’

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A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came

charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly

continued his milking.

To everyone’s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy,

turned around and walked away . ‘We are n’ot you afraid?’ one of the workers

asked the boy.

‘Not at all,’ the boy replied , ‘I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.’

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A patient complains to a famous psychologist: ‘Professor, I'’ve been having

terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.’

‘Who’s been treating you until now?’

‘Dr Lal Rathor.‘

‘I see. He’s an idiot. I’m curious to know what he advised you to do.’

‘To come and see you.’

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For their first anniversary, a man bought his young wife a cell phone. She

was thrilled and listened eagerly as he explained all its features. The next

day she was out shopping when the phone rang.

‘Hey, darling,’ he husband said. ‘How do you like your new phone?’

‘Oh, I just love it!’ she gushed. ‘It’s so cute and small—and your voice sounds

so clear. But there’s just one thing I don’t understand.’

‘What’s that?’

‘How did you know I was at the sari shop?’

Beautiful Indian jokes

Three Lawyer & Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.

At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought

only one ticket between them.

‘How are you going to travel on a single ticket?’ asked a lawyer.

‘Wait and watch,’ answered one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the thre e

engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly

after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet

door and asked, ‘Ticket please.’ The door opened just a crack and a single

arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved

on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.

So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their

astonishment, the engineers didn'’t buy any. ‘How are you going to travel

without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed lawyers.

‘Wait and watch,’ answered an engineer.

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers

into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out

of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, ‘Ticket, please.’

Tourist In India

A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the
Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it
took to build.
“Twenty years,” replied the guide.
‘You Indians are a lazy lot,” the tourist said. “In my country, this could have
been built in five.’
At Agra he admired the Taj’s beauty and asked how many years it took to
build.
‘Only ten years,’ said the guide.
The tourist retorted: ‘You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings
in two-and-a-half.’
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have
been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the
Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: ‘I don’t
know. It wasn’t there yesterday evening.”

HISTORY FACTS ABOUT INDIA.

"You should know some Real facts about India"

A. India never invaded any country in her last 10000 years of history.

B. India invented the Number System. Zero was invented by Aryabhatta.

C. The World's first university was established in Takshila in 700BC. More than    10,500 students from all   over the world studied more than 60 subjects. The    University of Nalanda built in the 4th century BC was one of the greatest     achievements of ancient India in the field of education.

D. Sanskrit is the mother of all the European languages. Sanskrit is the most suitable language for computer software reported in Forbes magazine, July 1987.

E. Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine known to humans. Charaka, the father of medicine consolidated Ayurveda 2500 years ago. Today Ayurveda is fast  regaining its rightful place in our civilization.


F. Although modern images of India often show poverty and lack of development, India was the richest country on earth until the time of British invasion in the early 17th Century.

G. The art of Navigation was born in the river Sindh 6000 years ago. The Very word Navigation is derived from the Sanskrit word NAVGATIH. The word navy is also derived from Sanskrit 'Nou'.

H. Bhaskaracharya calculated the time taken by the earth to orbit the sun hundreds of years before the astronomer Smart.; Time taken by earth to orbit the sun:(5th century) 365.258756484 days.

I. The value of pi was first calculated by Budhayana, and he explained the concept of what is known as the Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered this in the 6th century long before the European mathematicians.

J. Algebra, trigonometry and calculus came from India; Quadratic equations were by Sridharacharya in the 11th Century; The largest numbers the Greeks and the Romans used were 106 (10 to the power of 6) whereas Hindus used numbers as big as 1053(10 to the power of 53) with specific names as early as 5000 BCE during the Vedic period. Even today, the largest used number isTera 1012(10 to the power of 12).

K. According to the Gemological Institute of America, up until 1896, India was the only source for diamonds to the world.

L. USA based IEEE has proved what has been a century-old suspicion in the world scientific community that the pioneer of Wireless communication was Prof. Jagdeesh Bose and not Marconi.

M. The earliest reservoir and dam for irrigation was built in Saurashtra.

N. According to Saka King Rudradaman I of 150 CE a beautiful lake called 'Sudarshana' was constructed on the hills of Raivataka during Chandragupta Maurya's time.

O. Chess (Shataranja or AshtaPada) was invented in India.

P. Sushruta is the father of surgery. 2600 years ago he and health scientists of his time conducted complicated surgeries like cesareans, cataract, artificial limbs, fractures, urinary stones and even plastic surgery and brain surgery. Usage of anesthesia was well known in ancient India. Over 125 surgical equipment were used. Deep knowledge of anatomy, physiology, etiology, embryology, digestion,
metabolism, genetics and immunity is also found in many texts.

Q. When many cultures were only nomadic forest dwellers over 5000 years ago, Indians established Harappan culture in Sindhu Valley(Indus Valley Civilization)

R. The place value system, the decimal system was developed in India in 100 BC.

The great British Comedy Movie

The Kid (Movie of Joys, Comedy movie)



The Great British comedy

Great Indian Comedy-Sunil Paul

Anna Hasa Re the Great comedy by Sunil Paul

Chala Mussadi-Office Office(The Blast Comedy)

The Great Indian comedy movie.

Padosan The Old Bollywood comedy Movie

  Bumboo (The great Indian comedy movie)