Hollywood Jokes

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
8. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Don't Tell Lie

Johnny Can not Tell a Lie

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, "I bet you I can push my father's outhouse into the river." She didn't agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that they learned was "never tell a lie." 

After school, Johnny went home. When he walked in the door, his dad met him. He said, "Son, did you push my outhouse into the river?"Johnny said, "Dad, I want to be like George Washington and never lie, yes, I did."
And his dad beat him from one end of the house to the other. You could have read the newspaper off of Johnny's rear end. After Johnny was finished sobbing, he asked, "Dad, why did you whoop me? I didn't lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree and didn't lie about it, and he didn't get a whooping." Johnny's dad looked at him and said, "Son, I bet George Washington's dad wasn't sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?”

Hold Me

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ''I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.''
The husband says, ''WHAT??'' The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ''But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it.''
Hot Revenge
Hold Me

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says ''Okay, I'm ready, let's go to the cash register.'' The husband says, ''No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.''
The wife's face goes blank. ''No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.'’

A Few Philisophical Statements...

 A Few Philosophical Statements...

Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people. It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it. It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore someone completely. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines. I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis. It takes a big man to cry.. .but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.When I'm feeling down I like to whistle... it makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Bad Car Day

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?”

A Definite Definition

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt." She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes
the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and
pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy,