Unwanted Answered Jokes

A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly

emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he’d outpace the cop, the

man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car’s speed rose to sixty, then

seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and

pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.

The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: ‘Listen, Mister, I

have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good

excuse and I’ll let you go.’

The man thought for a moment and said: ‘Three weeks ago my wife ran off

with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were

that officer and were trying to give her back to me.’

No ticket.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a

well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. ‘Give me your money,’ he

demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, ‘You can’t do this—I’m a politician!’

‘In that case,’ replied the robber, ‘give me my money!’

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. ‘The lift will be
down presently,’ the receptionist told him.
‘The lift?’ said the American. ‘Oh, you mean the elevator.’
‘No, I mean the lift.’ replied the Englishman.
‘I think I should know what it is called,’ said the American. ‘Elevators were
invented in the States.’
‘Perhaps,’ retorted the Englishman. ‘But we invented the language.‘
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A judge looked severely at the defendant and asked, ‘How many times
have you been imprisoned?’
‘Nine, you Honour.’
‘Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.’
‘Maximum sentence?’ said the defendant. ‘Don’t you give your regular clients
a discount’.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical
examination.
‘The best thing for you to do,’ the doctor said, ‘is give up drinking and
smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.’
‘Doctor, I don’t deserve the best,’ said the patient. ‘What’s next best?’