Monday, 30 January 2012

Twenty-Two Things You Should Know

Twenty-Two Things You Should Know
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian; any more than standing in a garage makes you a car mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Three Morals...
A little bird is flying south for the winter. It’s so cold that the bird freezes and falls to the ground in a large field. While lying there on the edge of death, a cow walks by and craps on it. Well the dung is so hot that the frozen bird begins to thaw. In fact the bird is so warm and happy it soon begins to sing for joy! A passing cat hears the bird song and comes to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovers the bird under the cowpat. It promptly digs it out and eats it!
The morals of this story:
1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep doo-doo its best to keep your mouth shut!

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