SIX AFFAIRS TO REMEMBER

Affairs Jokes

SIX AFFAIRS TO REMEMBER
(Jokes, Jokes, Jokes, Jokes and best Affairs Jokes)
>> The First Affair
>>
>> A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
>>
>> One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for 
>>her house,
>> where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted 
>>from the
>> wild sex, they fell sleep, awakening around 8:00 PM.
>>
>> As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take 
>>his shoes
>> outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, 
>>she
>> nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove 
>>home.
>>
>> "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the 
>>house.
>>
>> "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair 
>>with my
>> secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell 
>>asleep and
>> didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
>>
>> The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying 
>>bastard!
>> You've been playing golf!"
>>
>> ************************************************************************
>> The Second Affair
>>
>> There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly 
>>beautiful
>> teenage daughters. The couple decided to try to have a son. 
>>A month of
>> trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, 
>>delivered a
>> healthy baby boy nine months later.
>>
>> The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new 
>>son. He took
>> one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had 
>>ever
>> seen... He went to his wife and told her there was no way he 
>>could be
>> the father of that child.
>>
>> "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" He gave 
>>her a stern
>> look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
>>
>> The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
>>
>> ****************************************************************
>> The Third Affair
>>
>> A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to 
>>examine the
>> dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or 
>>cremated. As he
>> examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be 
>>cremated, he
>> made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private 
>>part he
>> had ever seen!
>>
>> "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't 
>>send you
>> off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part 
>>like this.
>> It has to be saved for posterity."
>>
>> With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead 
>>man's
>> scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it 
>>home. The
>> first person he showed it to was his wife.
>>
>> "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he 
>>said, and
>> opened up his briefcase.
>>
>> "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
>> *****************************************************************
>> The Fourth Affair
>>
>> A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband 
>>opening
>> the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." 
>>Then she
>> quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him 
>>with talcum
>> powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. 
>>"Just
>> pretend you're a statue."
>>
>> "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the 
>>room.
>> "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths 
>>bought one
>> for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us 
>>too."
>>
>> No more was said about the statue, not even later when they 
>>went to
>> sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of 
>>bed, went to
>> the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a 
>>glass of
>> milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood 
>>like an
>> idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as 
>>much as a
>> glass of water."
>>
>> *************************************************************
>> The Fifth Affair
>>
>> A man walks into a night club one night.. He goes up to the 
>>bar and
>> asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
>>
>> "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at 
>>the menu
>> and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with 
>>chips, peas
>> and a fried egg?"
>>
>> "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real 
>>money."
>>
>> "How much money?" inquires the man.
>>
>> "4 cents," the bartender replied.
>>
>> "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns 
>>t! his place?"
>>
>> The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
>>
>> The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
>>
>> The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his 
>>business."
>>
>> *******************************************************************
>> The Sixth Affair
>>
>> Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a 
>>candlelight vigil
>> by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down 
>>her face.
>> Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and 
>>his pale
>> lips began to move slightly.
>>
>> "Becky, my darling," he whispered.
>>
>> "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
>>
>> He was insistent.. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I 
>>have
>> something that I must confess."
>>
>> "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
>>
>> " No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with 
>>your sister,
>> your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
>>
>> "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, " relax, let the 
>>poison work."