Saturday, 25 May 2013

Father Jokes


Father Jokes
Jokes 1 : (Jokes, Jokes Jokes,Jokes, Best of Father Jokes)
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.
Was it Nina Capeli?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her.
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to at! one. You cannot
attend church services for
4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads . .
Jokes 2 : A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.  He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the  bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:  "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and  hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your  neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how  much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be  strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was  gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" 
Jokes 3: A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, 

"Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. 

"He's on my bowling team." 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?""She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. 

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b!tch tonight, Dave."
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.

" It's quite OK," replied the snake.

"Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you." 

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.

I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."

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